Torn

“Torn”

I know I am not the only one… I know there are a lot of guys out there; like me…  Torn between 2 worlds.  Depressed…  Happy but not!

Why do we still do what is acceptable by society?  Why can only straight people be happy?  Why can’t we find happiness?  Why can’t we be accepted for who we are? For who we love? Why do we always have to do the right thing?  The right thing demanded by our family, and again society? 

I absolutely love my wife and I love my kids.  “So, what is the problem?”, I have heard many ask me.  Only those very close to me knows my secret.  I feel sometimes I want to be sick and explode all at the same time. No human being is designed to bottle up this much feelings, emotions, lust…

I fell in love with a guy long ago.  Back in a time where being gay would have got you fucked up.  I know many boys my age almost being beaten to death for being gay.  It was a hateful time to grow up and develop this kind of emotions and feelings.  Never being able to act on them, and if you did find someone not in complete denial, it had to be done in such secrecy. That is why I have trust issues.  And I am sure I am not the only one, and if I am, then I must be an anomaly.

I am digressing… Back to my first experience.  It was my dad’s best friends’ son.  We basically grew up together.  We were always together.  Did everything together.  Went everywhere together.  Only naturally maybe that a completely different bond formed. A bond that we did not foresee.  But I guess that is how “real love” starts.  Well, I think it does? 

I remember we are coming from another friend’s house.  It was just past 7 pm. It was dusk so we decided to go to the park.  We just sat there on the swings in an empty park.  Just talking making small talk – you know girls, cars etc. Just like normal 16-year-old boys do. Well, normal for those days.  He fell silent and asked me if he can ask me a personal question.  I could hear the serious awkwardness in his voice.  A kind of “mistrusting” question.  I replied he can ask me anything.  He was my friend and I was there to listen and help.  Because that was what friends do.  Friends stand together.

“Am I attractive?”, he asked.  Now, I was not expecting that.  I tried to hide my nervousness about the question.  “Attractive? What do you mean?” I remember he looked at me.  His eyes searching for any expression on my face. He repeated the question. I remember all sounds disappeared from the evening.  What do I say?  How do I answer?  Does he know the way I feel about him?  How did he find out?  I was panicking.  Then I took the leap…  I drew a deep breath and answered:  “Yes, I would say you are attractive” , I answered, trying to hide my shaky voice.  He looked at me for what felt like an eternity, still looking into my face – now covered in sweat.

He leaned in and kissed me.  It was unrehearsed, inexperienced and uncomfortable.  At this moment I fell hard.  My stomach felt funny, my knees felt weak, the world was spinning.  A feeling of excitement washed over me and at the same time I was terrified.  What was happening was a taboo.  I knew if my father or his father knew what was happening, they would surely kill us. 

I could taste his kiss.  I could smell his cologne.  I could hear his heartbeat.  I felt his breath.  It was intoxicating.  Is this what love feels like?  This forbidden love, this forbidden lust.  I knew then I wanted him.  I wanted him in more ways than any girl has wanted him. I reached for him.  Gently placing my hand on his leg.  He stopped.  He seemed startled for a second.  He looked me straight in my eyes.  At this moment I am sure he could read my thoughts.  He took my hand from his leg and placed it on the front of his trousers.  Oh! My! God!  He was rock hard…  Without hesitation, he reached for my pants as well.  He gently stroked, and I followed suit. 

He stopped and got off the swing and told me to lay down with him on the grass.  I lay down next to him, and he pulled me tightly towards him. He started kissing my neck… Fuck!!!  This felt good… I could feel my excitement growing.  I felt his excitement too.  I ran my tongue down his neck.  I could feel the shiver and the goose bumps.  At least this was an indication, what I was doing was correct.  I had no fucking clue on what I was doing.  I stopped.  I undid his belt and pulled out his dick.  I remember thinking to myself – “I hope I do this the same way as I practised on the banana?”

I put his throbbing dick inside my mouth and sucked back.  “Up and down – beware of using too much teeth!” Jesus, I was coaching myself the entire time.  By this time, he was moaning – which I took as a good sign…  He rolled over on top of me.  He must have practised much more than I did, because I have had a blowjob from a girl before, but NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!  Oh! My! God! It felt so good, so right and so wrong at the same time.

He took off his shirt and took off his pants.  I knew what was coming. Was I ready for this?  I do not know if I was ready, but all I knew was this total feeling of elation… I knew I wanted this.  This forbidden love.  This forbidden act. 

Now I have read a lot of stories before.  I knew this was going to hurt.  But, honestly he was so gentle.  I never fashioned myself as a bottom.  But this felt right.  With him, it felt right.

I went home.  Like nothing happened.  Answered questions from my father regarding the party etc.  I went for a shower.  I went to bed, but I could not sleep.  He was running through my mind at a 1000 miles per hour. I remember still thinking if this means it was just a casual hook-up or does this mean it was love?  Will there be a next time – Oh dear Lord, please let there be a next time!!!  What if he did not want to see me again?  Did he feel the same way?  Does he know how I feel?  I remember drifting off to sleep with all these feelings and emotions being thrown at me.

The next morning, I arrived at school.  I told myself to act casually.  I/We cannot afford to arouse suspicion.  If this were to ever come out, the repercussions would be far beyond what we can ever imagine. He acted as if nothing happened.  I was very relieved.  I think he was too.

We met up quite a few times after our first night together.  Although we never acknowledged to be a couple, we acted like one when we were alone.  Everything was fantastic for about 4 months.  He suddenly changed.  Making excuses about coming over, not being able to go out etc. 

I was invited to a party by another friend.  I was introduced to quite a couple of guys that evening.  This girl was one of my friends that knew about my secret.  So, naturally, she wanted to help me get over my (I guess we call him my ex????)  Nice guys and all, very sexy, but essentially lacking substance and intellect. Too vain for my liking and ever wanting craving to be the centre of attraction.  Not my type whatsoever.

I was on my home that evening, just walking in the shadows.  Someone shouted my name.  It was him.  Running toward me.  After all this time, NOW he wants to talk to me! I asked him what he wanted.  He wanted to make polite conversation. Now I was in no mood for niceties. I demanded coldly he must get to the point as his behaviour towards me has made it abundantly clear that we were done.

He looked jittery and nervous.  He told me his brother found out about us and has told him to break it off with me otherwise he will tell his dad and he will tell my dad about us. I was scared.  His brother was a bit of a fucking nut job.  He was involved with the wrong crowd and I am sure, although we could never prove it, selling dope.  I just told him it’s fine we don’t have to see each other anymore.  For the sake of our families, I will not press the issue.  He thanked me and gave me a hug.

This night was the last night I wanted to see him again. Being 16 and having your heart ripped from your chest, by your first love, is a shitty feeling.  I never got over him.  I am 40.  And I still love him.  Even after the many guys after him, I still want him.  He is married today, also have kids.  We bumped into each other once or twice over the years.  The feeling between us still there, but we did the “right thing” for society.  For our families. We did what they wanted, no expected of us.  And thus, being totally and utterly unhappy for more than 20 years.

Do not judge me.  Like I said in the beginning, I love my wife.  She is the only woman and will be the only woman, I will ever love.  I adore my kids.  I adore my wife for putting up with me for over 20 years.  I am a difficult person.  I have seen countless shrinks in my lifetime.  Nobody can help me. 

I am the only one that can help myself.  I am the cure to my illness.  I have thought of suicide many, many times, but again, it is not permitted in society, faith and family.  And, I cannot put my wife and kids through that.  If I am gone, the hurting will end, but they will start hurting because they might think they are the cause.

I have prayed to God and asked him why me?  Why has this ever happened to me.  Why did I have to fall in love with him?  I have prayed to God to take the pain away.  I have prayed to God to take my feelings away.  I have prayed…

I want to urge any boys out there – do not do what many of us men did.  Do not get trapped by society – telling you how to live your life.  If you have an inkling of getting happiness; happiness you deserve – take it.  For the love of God – grab it with both hands and hold on tight.  Do not let it go.  Take that leap of faith.  Take that risk.  Rather grow, through heartaches and pains that may follow – better to go through with it, than to end up, not living the life you could have had.  Not happy for not being who you truly are. You owe that to yourself…