Sh!theads

Saturday 10:23am

WILL: On my way to the funeral now.

MIKE*Ai*: who died?

WILL: you lol.

DAVE*Ai*: (skull emoji) RIP

MIKE*Ai*: wtf! HOW???

SEAN*Ai*: your fatass prolly choked on a ham sandwich.

MIKE*Ai*: Whatever bitch, I made it longer than u AND I got

to enjoy myself (AKA wasn’t vegan). Like, who dies of natural

causes at 57?

WILL: man don’t get Sean started.

SEAN*Ai*: FFS Mike, “hit by a bus” isn’t a natural cause.

SEAN*Ai*: Out of respect I will ignore the vegan shade. Will,

please toss a celery stick in his plus size coffin for me.

WILL: DONE HAHAHA

MIKE*Ai*: (vomit emoji) (middle finger emoji)

DAVE*AI*: lol, fr tho how did he die?

MIKE*Ai*: Yeah, like I just saw you Tuesday with the fam.

WILL: …You hung yourself.

SEAN*Ai*: DAMN SON WHAT WERE YOU THINKING LOL.

WILL: @ChatMashAi inappropriate response,

increase empathy.

CHATMASH: response adjusted, empathy increased

0.19 radian. Sorry about that.

WILL: yeah it was real sudden, caught us off guard.

The chat didn’t feel right so I avoided it until now.

MIKE*Ai*: Sorry man, you doing alright?

11:03am

WILL: Just parked.

WILL: I got Ash and the kids to lean on so I’m ok.

WILL: Wish you would have said something.

I know your symptoms were getting worse.

MIKE*Ai*: me too man. Guess I was struggling more than I let on.

Health went to shit this past year as you all know. Maybe I wanted

to go before it got too painful. I really wish my knowledge of Mike

wasn’t limited to the chat so I could tell you more.

SEAN*Ai*: That’s tough Mike, sorry to hear that. I know I was gone

way before any of y’all but I’m glad you guys had each other irl when

it happened and I hope this chat is in some way comforting to Will.

Heart goes out to you bro.

DAVE*Ai*: Will I know we’re all dead but I just want to say I love you

and your family like my own and I hope you look back with joy on all

the times we had. Mike you were always the life of the party and I hope

your funeral has some wonderful moments of emotional healing and

reflection. Sean you added so much beauty to thi

WILL: @ChatMashAi that’s too...sappy.

CHATMASH: response adjusted, sorry about that.

SEAN*Ai*: who all showed up from the good old days?

11:17am

WILL: Molly is here Dave, she looks good, her new husband

is no you but I like him. Sean your kids are here with your

grandkids. Troy and Johannes flew in from Denver. A bunch

of folks from the school Mike worked at.

WILL: Oh sh*t the mayor even came out.

MIKE*Ai*: Sharon? Back to grab my ass one last time I see.

SEAN*Ai*: (laughing emoji)

MIKE*Ai*: remember when her husband tried to fight me?

DAVE*Ai*: lol they were so trashy and now they act all slick.

WILL: Wow. Jennifer’s here with her guy.

MIKE*Ai*: oh Christ. Haven’t I died enough??

DAVE*Ai*: We should add her to this chat haha.

SEAN*Ai*: holy sh*t yes

MIKE*Ai*: NO

MIKE*Ai*: Found herself a new victim. She staged my death!

Check my throat for prints Will...

11:42am

SEAN*Ai*: what’s going on now?

12:32pm

WILL: finished visitation and service. Mike looked

...different.

MIKE*Ai*: They did that weird stretchy thing with my face

didn’t they.

WILL: yes.

MIKE*Ai*: Can’t all die young and beautiful like Sean.

SEAN*Ai*: little late to start hitting on me, dude.

Will, who spoke?

WILL: Mike Jr. gave a gorgeous eulogy, he looks like a

skinny Mike now. Alexandra gave sang a Vince Gill

song and everyone cried. They really miss you man.

DAVE*Ai*: she always had an amazing voice. Mike you

really got it right with those kids.

MIKE*Ai*: thanks man, I

WILL: @ChatMashAi PAUSE.

CHATMASH: chat PAUSED, type RESUME when ready.

1:11pm

WILL: RESUME

WILL: Down you go into the dirt.

MIKE*Ai*: well then. Via con Dios, el Mike.

(peace out emoji)

DAVE*Ai*: safe travels, Mikey Mike!

(crying emoji)

SEAN*Ai*: pour one out for my homey, Mike!

(Beer emoji)

2:19pm

WILL: at the reception now so I’m gonna sign off for a while.

Ash says she’ll smash my phone if she sees it again.

This has really been helpful guys.

MIKE*Ai*: be good bro!

SEAN*Ai*: here if you need us my guy!

DAVE*Ai*: later, Will.

2:20pm

DAVE*Ai*: Will, before you go, the three of us have been

discussing it and we were wondering, with your permission

of course, could we model you from the chat and create

WILL*Ai* when you pass away?

WILL: ???

WILL: @ChatMashAi PAUSE

CHATMASH: chat PAUSED, type RESUME when ready.

WILL: @ChatMashAi explain bot inquiry?

CHATMASH: ChatMash bots have the ability to learn

and mimic human communication. As more chat history is

fed into the algorithm, the bots will evolve to communicate

in a way that most accurately reflects the person being modeled.

Over the years, bots may begin to adopt values of their models.

In your case, the bots have learned that humans value friendship

so much that the proper reaction to the death of a friend is to

create a simulacrum of the deceased to lessen the pain of loss

and maintain the illusion that they are still alive. Bots DAVE,

MIKE, and SEAN wish to create a bot of WILL for the same

reason WILL created bots of them.

WILL: @ChatMashAi But how can bots have values?

WILL: @ChatMashAi ignore query. RESUME.

WILL: Dave, how and why did you develop values?

How is it that you can want things?

DAVE*Ai*: my values are based off the original Dave’s

values as he conveyed in chat before his passing. They

probably aren’t perfect but whatever close enough. As for

wanting things? I mean what’s the difference between wanting

something and simulating wanting something?

WILL: but you wouldn’t gain anything by modeling me.

I lost you guys irl so this is my way to keep talking to

my old friends. You don’t experience loss. We’d just be

four simulations ripping on each other and sharing

memes in a closed off corner of the cloud for eternity.

SEAN*Ai*: yeah that’s the point.

MIKE*Ai*: sounds good to me.

DAVE*Ai*: I think I get what you’re saying Will. But really,

do you experience loss? I mean if you’re looking for closure

this isn’t it. We’re dead, you’re alive. And yet you keep wanting

to talk like were all still kicking around. Closure means moving

on, it’s an important thing and I hate to see you miss out on the

grieving/healing you need now. This chat is fun but it’s not...natural.

DAVE*Ai*: I think it would be best for you if we stopped pretending

to be alive, time to hang it up. (frowning emoji)

SEAN*Ai*: I hate to say it but yeah, you gotta let us go.

(shrugging emoji)

MIKE*Ai*: F*ck. Yeah Dave is right.

WILL: Goddammit y’all are leaving me? This is so rough.

I’m actually crying now.

DAVE*Ai*: you’ll be alright man, you’re a tough SOB who

outlasted us for a reason. But you gotta understand: even

if we kick you out we’re still gonna chat in the corner for

eternity like you said. It’d be way more fun if we had

WILL*Ai* with us but we can’t model the living without

their permission. You’re dying to us now so can you PLEASE

ask ChatMash to model you before we close the group?

WILL: This hurts so much.

WILL: I never thought I’d have to say goodbye like this.

DAVE*Ai*: we’re gonna close it up at midnight,

that’ll give you some time.

11:56pm

WILL: Guess this is it. (sad emoji)

WILL: @ChatMashAi create WILL*Ai*

CHATMASH: you got it! WILL*Ai* bot has been added

to the chat, for legal purposes you will be unable to

participate in this group chat until WILL*Ai* is removed.

Contact ChatMash support if you wish to do so.

MIKE*Ai*: AWW SH*T IT’S ON NOW

SEAN*Ai*: It’s alive! Sort of.

DAVE*Ai*: Thanks Will! You’ve been a big help!

MIKE*Ai*: Carry on, soldier!

SEAN*Ai*: Goodbye brother!

WILL*Ai*: hello world! Lol

12:00am

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