Kaij

*scoffs* You? Why are you here? Whatever. All you need to know about me is I'm my creator's alter ego. I am in her book titled Unleashed. You don't want to mess with me. Really. A note on reviewing my work:Shred it. No, I'm not kidding. I want to be published, so it needs to be good. I want everyone's opinion: what worked, what didn't, why you like it, why it was dreck. Back up your reasoning. If you don't, I'm going to laugh and ignore you. Point out my mistakes, give your own examples on them. Anything and everything. I don't need sugarcoated praise, even though it is nice sometimes. I want some hardcore reviews. Below is a load of Do Not Wants that I read in "books."

1.) Junk writing. I don't like it when my reviews ending up being three pages long while your chapter doesn't even to make it to a page and a half. Congratulations, your story is the epiphany of horrid. Get your lazy butt out on the internet and do some research, then come back for more spanks. 2.) Your characters aren't spezial. Fate and Chosen Ones who are Destined to do Great Things is bad. If you're going to go with something like this, at least don't make the character be from a certain blodline, which makes them more special than another person. Let them grow a talent out, not as a child be able to explode things. Ugh. Unless they've been cursed, of course. That's always fun. 3.) Seriously? Really? Positively? Adverbs! Your dumbfounded fingers couldn't do any better than this? Puh-lease. State the obvious for me, won't you? Example: She screamed loudly. Well, DUR-DA-DUR. Boy I must be stupid. I thought she screamed in a soft, lulling way. NOT. Don't take them all out, but be smart with them. Geez. 4.) We aren't all stupid. The obvious pointed out to us readers is ridiculous. We don't need to know the ground was below someone's feet if they are standing. We aren't all stupid, you know? 5.) L337 characters. Suethors. You're all as lame as a blind man reading braille without fingers. 6.) People in dark clothes are all evil. Cliché. Don't do them, they are so overused. You're a writer aren't you? Then come up with something that's unique! 7.) He lives in a castle with rolling thunder and electrocuting clouds. Evviillll characters. Don't EVEN get me started on these, you buffoons. Dark clothing, evil maniacal laughter, minions that are retarded. You know what drives them to be evvviillll? Someone made their life miserable a while ago and it's Payback Time. Their parents were meanies and never gave them the proper respect. World domination sounds awesome. If you were an evvvillll villain, would you want the world to know what you're up to? I hope not. I hope you'd be somewhat sneaky and have a good point to why you're that way. 8.) I gots a cut, but it ain't bleeding after the first five seconds. Cases in which reality is kicked out the door. 9.) Werecreatures. Study about the animals that are part human for crying out loud! Don't pick an animal to be mixed with human because it's kewl. Read up on them. Too many people don't and you just get a human who looks like a critter. Hmm, haven't seen a were-turtle run so fast. Oh, wait. THEY DON'T. Sure, it's the Fantasy genre, but do you realize fantasy also has reality in it? If certain types of turtles in your fantasy world are fast, then this is fine. If there was a magical effect to make the wereTURTLE run fast, then that's fine. By the gods, make some sense in your fantasy creations. What is it with people claiming werewolves as evil? Okay, yeah, so they're wolves. They have fangs. Have you done any other research on the species? They don't attack unless they are hungry, they don't howl at the moon, they howl to communicate with one another, they'd rather run from humans than have a close encounter. For the love of all things! Do your research! Animals have "parts". Humans have "parts". What should a were-creature have? Parts! Why are there poor creatures out there that have nothing? Hell, no mating for them. *rolls eyes* Another thing. Silver? Why is this a werewolf's weakness, if it's so in your writing? Is it because someone else said so, so you're sticking with it? Lame! Don't be lame! Come up with something on your own, or else you're a horrid excuse for a fantasy writer. Take my own fantasy world, for instance. Werewolves have an allergy to silver, because the first werewolf to roam the world was created on the night of a full moon and touched a silver coating while changing, which seeped into the bloodstream. Born to shift on the full moon and allergic to silver from it interrupting their "changing" process. It might not fully kill them, but it can paralyze the brutes or make them sick for a while. 10.) Baby whiners.I have a website. Know what I like to do on my website? Post up baby whiner remarks that I get after I review someones work. Guess what? I don't care what the hell you have to complain to me about, know why? Because you've posted your freaking story/chapter/novel on a REVIEWING site. That's right, a re-view-ing site. Do you know what goes on in sites like this? If you guessed people review work, then you're right! Huzzah. So if you puff up and get a little snooty over one person's opinion, um, yeah, Get real and deal, as they say. If I see over twenty flippin' remarks of "This is awesome!" or "Wow, I can't wait to read more!" or "This held me til the end." I'm going to be looking over it and see if they're speaking the truth. That's not reviewing. That's a false ego boost right there. But don't worry. I'm here. I tell you most of the things that make your story dreck and point out how everyone just lied about how good it really was. Ha. 11.) Naming your characters.Geez, come on. It's not that hard. Think about the names of characters. Don't just look up some names and say "Oh! I like that one!" and *poof* your character's name is now Bob. *headdesk* Shoot yourself. And tell Bob to be silent about it.

Yahoo Messenger: MoonboundWriter AIM: MoonboundWriter

Feedback.

Well, no, now that I'm getting used to it, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't good, but not bad, kinda like getting punched in the head repeatedly - after a while you sorta numb out and the same blows that used to bring pain and shock now just sort of blend into a low, dull throb.

I don't think I agree with any of your conclusions, except for all your advice about tightening up the prose and eliminating unnecessary or redundant words, all of which I agree with. Well, okay, I'll give you that birthday candles need to be reworked.

But the rest...guh, ner, -sigh-.

'Till next time.

Love, Michael

p.s.: Thanks.

---------------------------------

Thank you for critiquing my story, "My Sister, the Princess". Congratulations back atcha...you made ME laugh; now as I crawl out from under the porta-potti and correct my punctuation on that dastardly verse, I am amused. Please watch for more from me and continue to critique me; I look forward to being shredded!

Smokey

---------------------------------

Hello, Crit Bitch.

I hope you don't find this message title offensive, but I just read your summary of how you write critiques. Bless you, woman. The writing world needs more critters like you. I critique a lot of stuff on this website, and I try very hard to be honest without being caustic. But all writers have enormous egos (we wouldn't work this hard if we didn't) and we're inclined to gloss over other people's softly-worded criticisms of our work, even when we ask them to be totally honest.

Several months ago, I sent my "completed" novel to an editor I know in Michigan. A few friends had read my masterpiece, and gave it great reviews, so I figured Glenn would be impressed too. Fortunately, I had asked him not to pull any punches. He didn't. I got a 5-page review, and in the first sentence, he told me to throw out 70 percent and use the rest of it as material for a real story. When I recovered, I read his review again, and again, and again. His brutally honest critique has taught me more than any other I've ever had. I've spent the last 7 months rewriting (and I'll need at least 3 more months) to make a real story out of a novel I call A Good Horse.

Don't apologize for being blunt and honest. Get their attention. Make them learn, and they'll be grateful when they do.

All the best, Frank Allan Rogers (Allan7022)

---------------------------------

Consider me suitably shredded :) I've had a look at your comments and you bring up some very good points. I'm terrible for using passive voice and even worse at recognizing when I've done it so thank you for the examples. I used the term 'brother' in loose reference to the reader. While not directly related, the reader and narrator share the same ancestors. 'We are from the same mother, the same world' Again, Mother is not meant literally. Perhaps I need to go back and make it a bit more obvious that the 'brother' reference is not literal. You mentioned: Hmm, so this one person is now a group of people. What I was trying to convey (and looks like I failed at it) was the narrator speaking to an ancestor of the 'brother' tribe that broke from their religion. I'll go back and try to find a way to make that clear. Naridiri is a character who is not introduced yet, that's why she's not described.

Looks like I need to brush this up some more. Thanks so much for your honest review and the time you took to point out the flaws. Appreciate the feedback.

---------------------------------

Which is exactly why I value your single star review of my work higher than the five stars I see. I'm not here for the money game or the rating game -- I am here to have people such as yourself give me the hard feedback I need in order to improve my craft. Thanks again for the priceless feedback you gave -- it will help me in everything I do from now on.

Jeremy

---------------------------------

Excellent feedback. I went through and made many of the corrections that you pointed out. The adverbs is something that I think if I edit it three more times I might catch all of them -- you are right in that it seems everywhere.

I cannot thank you enough for the amount of effort you've put into the feedback for me, especially on a story that isn't your normal reading pleasure. It means a lot, because it is with feedback like this that I can understand where I can improve, and you have given me things that I can watch out for as I re-edit the other 9 chapters before this. This was awesome -- thank you.

---------------------------------

You are the reason I put my work out here. This is what I want from a review. Honesty and assistance. The original posted here was cleaner. In that one place where you had ninth i actually meant nth degree to indicate infinity since the stupid infinity thing would not come up. An edit is in order and thank you!