A Day in Life

A Day in Life

BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!

I’m shook awake as always by the horrendous shriek of my alarm, I reach over and grab my phone silencing my alarm and opening social media. This is the only way I can stay up first thing in the morning nowadays. My alarm goes off at 6:15 and by 7:00am I finally roll out of bed and stumble over to the bathroom.

“God Damnit” I say to myself in the mirror, I have been looking worse and worse every day and today is no different. I thought I was used to it by now but seeing myself this morning honestly hurt. When I think of what I look like I still imagine myself from college, with long hair, lean, and smooth skin, you could even say I had a youthful glow but now that’s all gone, looking at myself I see a pale, sickly looking rodent with thinning hair. After a few seconds of self-loathing, I can’t take it anymore, sick to my stomach from looking at myself I go piss and start to look around my room for something to put on, I don’t know why I even bother anymore wearing different outfits into the office. I’ll never be able to compete with any of the new associates anyways. Moving past the piles of suits from early in the week I decide on a full navy suit that I got from the department store about a year and a half ago when I felt like putting in the effort of spending on work clothes. I doubt that will be happening again, all my money now goes to credit card bills and student debt. Both of which should have been what my suit money went to six months ago but at that point I still had an ounce of optimism about where my life was going. 

I wonder down the hall into the kitchen where I start a pot of coffee and grab a dirty cup out of the sink, once I’m done with the pot, I put the cup back into the sink and start my car. I think for a second about going and brushing my teeth but decide just to chew on a piece of gum instead, I won’t be talking to anyone all day anyways so what does it matter. Checking my phone, I see that it’s 7:34, if I leave now, I’ll hopefully be able to make it into the office by 8 and maybe avoid getting my ass chewed by Tom. God I fucking hate that guy. Who in the world takes their job that fucking serious, I mean if I was a controller at some stupid small firm I would just punch my time sheet get my job done and not be a miserable fucking prick to everybody I know, and then go home try to enjoy the little bit of time spent not at work actually enjoying life. Honestly, it’s a waste of time to even bother wondering why he is such a piece of shit, I just need to get to work and get the day over with so I can come home and hopefully get drunk enough to forget about how shitty my life is.

At 7:38am I finally get into my car and pull out of my neighborhood driving down back streets as far as I can, avoiding major streets knowing they will be gridlocked by this hour. When I was younger this never would have been that case but all the rich fucks from California who think they are too conservative for their hometown decide to bring their shitty driving to my city. Luckily, I can make it most the way before I have to get onto the connecter. Once I am on the main road, I file in behind all the other miserable corporate sheep being herded to the slaughter. After three cycles at the connector entrance light, I’m finally first at the light to get on. After sitting for what seems like 10 more minutes the light changes and I am on my way. I get maybe 30 feet before a white Hyundai speeds in front of me and proceeds to drive 10 under, onto the entrance ramp. I don’t have fucking time for this I pull into the left lane and floor it to try and get around this stupid piece of shit when he decides to drive like a human, speeding up next to me. Just for a moment we are window to window, enough time for me to give him the finger before I am forced to brake and get right back behind him before it goes to single lane entering the connector. Obviously, he didn’t like me gesture because the prick starts brake checking me.

“YOU STUPID INSIGNIFICANT PIECE OF SHIT, I FUCKING HATE YOU” I scream as loud as I can while putting the full weight of my fist into the horn. I can’t fucking believe this, he is lucky I don’t own a gun, or I would fucking follow him to his work and blow his worthless fucking brains all over his stupid car. Or even better I could just turn it on myself, so I don’t have to sit behind him that long.

Once the road opens back up to 4 lanes, I speed around him and get into the far-left lane speeding towards work. Looking at the clock on my dash it’s already 7:55, how in the hell is it already 7:55. I speed up making it onto Main st and down into the parking garage under my work at exactly 8:00. I quickly run to the elevator scan my key card and make my way as quickly to my office as I can without looking like a total jackass. As I come around the final turn to my office I bump into Trevor the new hire from KPMG. 

“Woah watch where you’re going dude”

“Shit, sorry”

“Yeah, you should be”

He looks me up and down before walking away, just before I get to my cubicle, I hear him say under his breath.

“Nice suit retard” 

I pay no mind to it because what could I possibly say, he isn’t wrong I look like shit and not only that he is 3 years younger than me and is easily making close to twice what I make. It’s only right for him to treat me like the worthless piece of shit I am.

I settle at my desk and open my computer and start checking emails, nothing important just company culture updates, who gives a shit, this place is a shit hole anyways why do they waste so much time trying to pretend it’s not. I am almost through catching up on emails when I realize my divisional review was due this morning. Fuck, I haven’t started yet I am shaking, I scramble and pull my report and start loading in the KPI templates and equations into my sheet as fast as I can. But it’s too late I hear a knock on the cubicle wall behind me. It’s Tom.

“Hey sport, got that report for me? I didn’t see it on my desk this morning”

I look up at him, my tongue in my throat all I can muster is to move my head left to right. 

He chuckles and clicks his tongue

“Of course not, like I should expect anything else, you know that you smell like shit too and you look fucking gross”

I look into my lap “I’m sorry”

“You should be, you’re lucky I don’t fire your ass right now, you are such an imbecile, I mean I don’t think I could become as worthless as you if I spent the rest of my life trying’

He isn’t wrong I am pathetic, but his words still hurt, I feel a ball in my stomach creep to my throat and before I know it, I’m starting to shake, crying like a child who has his toy taken from him.

“Jesus Christ Jack, what is your fucking problem, were you dropped as a kid? Stop crying your making me sick. Just have the report on my desk by 5 and for god’s sake shower before you come into work.”

I’m too embarrassed to look up so I just nod. Thankfully this is enough, and he walks away.

I spend the rest of my day, working through lunch trying to make the report as complete as I can before 5. Thankfully because of this the day goes by fast. Even though I hate my job I never am upset when I have something to do, it makes time fly by and gets me out of this miserable place faster. The worst thing is when I have nothing to do, so I have to pretend to be busy. When days are like that it feels like years go by.

I finally wrap up my report at 4:47 and decide the rip the band aid off and take it to Tom. Walking down the hall to his office I see that most everybody has already left, this makes me feel a little better about bringing Tom the report. This way nobody will hear whatever he decides to say to me. I am sure this morning when I got yelled at everybody heard.

I get to his office and knock on the doorway as I walk in.

“Hey Tom, here the report, I’m sorry about earlier”

“Thanks, Jack”

“yeah”

I set the report down

“Is there anything else I can do before I go”

“No that should be fine, and hey about what I said earlier I didn’t mean any of that you know. I just have deadlines and pressures, its nothing personal”

Easy for you to say, I think, in what world wasn’t that personal

“But seriously take better care of yourself, maybe it’ll spark some change”

“Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks”

I walk out of his office, feeling worse than when I had seen him earlier today. How pathetic do I have to be to have a 49-year-old balding, divorced, childless, piece of shit who lives alone feel bad for me. I really am a nobody.

I walk back to my cubicle and quickly gather my thinks and head down to my car. I am not sure why I bother doing anything quickly, I know I am just going to sit in traffic until I get home. Regardless I get into my car and hop back into the line of corporate clowns. As I pass over the connector bridge, I imagine what it might be like to drive over the edge. I quickly wave the idea off, while I like the idea of drowning because I deserve to suffer, I don’t want to cause a scene. I’m not worth a scene, plus this is my parents’ car. 

After a 25-minute drive covering 2 miles I finally make it back home, I kick off my shoes in the entry way and go straight to fridge to grab a couple beers and sit on the couch. I turn on twitch and watch some 19 year old gamble more money then I’ll ever make in my life on some stupid website while scrolling on my phone. After about a half hour I finish my beers and get up to grab a couple more, on the way I stop to take off my tie, while taking it off I think about what hanging myself would feel like. I think it would be like drowning, but I am not sure, maybe quicker. I decide to grab a stool and tie my tie to the highest up rod on my stairs banister, I first was going to put it on the fan but it wouldn’t support my weight, maybe in college but not now, and I thought about the closet but I could just stand so I settle on the banister. I leave the tie on the banister and get down from the stool, doesn’t hurt to have the option I think as I go back to the fridge and grab a couple more beers. I go back to my phone on the couch but the only thing on my mind is how worthless I am. I don’t know why my parents bother to pay for this apartment or why my friends pretend to make plans with me that always fall through last second. It’s a waste of time, I’m not worth, I would save so many people so much time and effort if I wasn’t around. I take a glance back at my tie. I shake my head and try not to think anymore, focusing on the video on my phone of a 21 year old who has been taking steroids since he was 16 and had a heart attack. I remember when I used to lift, maybe I should’ve done that, better to go out doing something then you love then like a coward. Just like that I am brought back to the tie. 

“Fuck it why not”

I stumble off the couch throwing my beer bottle to the floor, grabbing the stool I used to tie the tie to the banister and placing it under the tie. Using the wall to support myself as I get up onto the stool. Once back on the stool I put the open hole of the tie around my neck tightening it just to the point of slight discomfort. I squat a little bit to feel the pressure of the tie increase on my neck, it doesn’t feel too bad. 

Being up on the stool with it around my neck I begin to get a little bit nervous, what a fucking coward. I can’t do anything without getting scared. Maybe this isn’t the right thing to do, maybe my boss was right maybe I just need to start putting effort into my life, maybe I’ll call my parents and move back in with them so they aren’t spending all this money and get a job that I enjoy maybe it won’t pay as much but that’s okay. I feel around my neck for the knot of the tie and shakily try pulling it apart, it’s too tight. I turn around and reach up trying to untie it from the banister when I feel the stool begin to move out from under me. Oh god no, please no, thud.