The White Sandal Under Her Bed

The White Sandal Under Her Bed

  By

   Sandra Gonzalez

Walking through the front door exhausted from work. I didn't feel like making dinner. Mom was sitting on the couch watching Wheel of Fortune. I could hear Lucas playing with Legos in his room. I asked mom if she wanted to go with me to pick up some food and we could also stop to put gas in the car. She said “ Yes, I feel like eating a juicy burger from Dairy Queen.” One of her favorite places however, I was so exhausted, I explained to her Dairy Queen is across town. I suggested Whataburger which is down the street. We all agreed on dinner.

When we arrived home, we sat at the kitchen table eating and talking about our day. She told me that my dad stopped by. She made him lunch and they talked for an hour. That surprised me because they usually don't spend a lot of time together, even though they remain friends after the divorce. I started to tell her about my busy day at the hospital. 

After dinner, I got Lucas ready for bed. He talked about all the fun things he did with grandma. I read him a bedtime story and tucked him in. I kissed him on his forehead and said goodnight. I went to my room to unwind. I reclined back on my bed with my head on the wall and began to watch youtube on my phone. When I suddenly noticed my mom standing in the hallway.

I pressed pause on my phone and walked over to my doorway asking “ Mom are you ok?”  In a drained sleepy voice she replied “Yeah, I'm just tired. I'm going to sleep now.” I walked over to her while holding my phone in one hand. I gave her a side hug and said “Ok goodnight mom.” As I turned to walk back to my room I glanced back to see her walking towards her bedroom and thinking to myself how much I love her.

The next morning at 5am I woke to the ringing of my alarm clock. Laying in my bed I thought to myself Thank god it’s Friday. I quickly rolled out of bed, turned off the alarm clock and began to get dressed for work. Since I was in a Friday kind of mood I applied a little more eyeshadow and blush to my makeup routine. 

I walked down the hall to the kitchen to have coffee with mom as I did every morning. However, this morning the kitchen felt different. It was very quiet and pitch black. No lights in the kitchen nor the living room. She usually had the T.V. on for the news. I walked over to her bedroom calling for her. “Mom, are you awake?” still there was no reply. 

With a worrisome feeling I turned on the lights to her room. She was laying in bed with her arm hanging off the side. I ran to her, picking up her arm. I could feel the ice cold heaviness of her arm and my heart breaking at the same time. My eyes widened as I called out for her with fear and panic. 

I ran to get my cell phone and my voice began to shake as I called for help. I could hear Lucas crying and asking “What happened to grandma?” I hugged him quickly and I could feel him trembling in my arms. “ I'm not sure.” I answered but deep down inside I knew. We both looked out the window waiting for the ambulance.

After examining her, the paramedics explained she had a heart attack in her sleep. She passed a few hours before I found her. Lucas and I sat at the kitchen table crying. I replayed the last conversation we had in my mind. I should have put my phone down and gave her a big hug. My heart was broken while I wiped away a river of tears. 

Since moms passing I couldn't bring myself to go through her belongings. I spent the first year with an emptiness. Trying to adapt to a life without mom was overwhelming.

 One Sunday morning I finally had the courage to walk into her bedroom. I stood there for a few minutes whispering to myself “ I love you mom.” As I looked around the room. I couldn't help but notice the white sandals under her bed. While staring at the sandals I wondered if mom had kicked them by accident. They were facing in two different directions. Spaced away from each other. One sandal under her headboard and the other further under the bed however still visible.

One evening as I stood in the kitchen numbly washing dishes. I turned my head towards mom’s room. I could see the white sandal under the bed. I'm not sure why I felt like looking at it again. For some weirdly unexplained reason I needed too. Over the next few months I glanced at the sandal when I was in the kitchen or when I thought about it. I'd walk over to look at it. Oddly I needed to make sure it was still there. Even though I knew it would be, I still had to look. Looking at the sandal became a confusing recurring habit. 

During the next few years, with help from my family I've been able to donate a few of mom’s belongings. Some of the grandkids picked out jewelry they liked. Lucas and Oliver wore a flag and western pendant they picked out to Thanksgiving dinner. 

Even though it's been very tough for Lucas and I. I realize my process of grieving might be different than others. Till this day the white sandal is still under the bed. It collected some dust over the years. Perhaps it's helping me to heal slowly. I want to hold on to everything but I am too much like the sandal. Forced to move in a different direction. 

 The End