Decision

In my life I had a few decisions and turning points that made my life change a bit and I talked a bit about one situation about making the choice of whether or not I should let my dad be in my life after he and my mom divorced, I choose not to let him be in my life, but today I would like to talk about some of the emotions that ran through my mind at that time because I never really dove into my fears, hopes, dreams, and sadness that I was facing during this time. So, let’s dive into this and I hope I teach you something.

A few weeks before leaving my dad things escalated to very high and tense situations that would scare me, my dad’s behavior would get worse and worse as he would always be mad to the point that I would even fear for my own life in some situations. He would throw things at me, yell at me, call me things that I don’t dare utter under my breath, but something that always stuck with me and even to this day sticks with me a little bit is him saying that the world is evil so and no one will help you. At night during this time, I would lie in bed wondering if something better was on the horizon and that tomorrow was going to be better, it was never better but I was always worse, I would be sad at this revelation as I saw no hope in my life and whatever dream I had was just that, a dream. I grew sadder and sadder as the day’s past, and even a few times this sadness almost overcame me and took me till the day that I awoke from the fear of my father and my mother took me away from him so that I could never feel his wrath again.

When the choice arose to have him in my life or not to, I reflected upon his words as they bounced and rattled through my brain like a snakes tail in the sand, I reflected on how he spoke to me, on how he made me feel, I saw that he never communicated with me as a person but instead as a dog. I never communicated with him as a son does to a father but instead as a servant to its master, I never expressed my fears to him or make my thoughts known to him. I know that nothing could have been done to better the moments of my life, I know that thinking I could have changed things if I talked more or made different choices is a foolish thought as its in his nature to be cruel but I can’t help but think that if I communicated more then things won’t have been as bad as they were.

After battling these thoughts I made the choice to be more than what I was at that moment, I choose to leave him in the rubble that was his life and rebuild anew, I struggled with communication, I struggled with critical thinking that caused me to fail in moments of new, and I struggled with choice making but I believe that when the time to make a choice came along I was able to overcome these obstacles and make the decision that changed my life for the better.