Chapter 8: Part 8 — Thursday Night

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Part 8 — Thursday Night

When I got home, I was still buzzing with the successes of the day. Sure, I’d been asked to remove my makeup by recess and given a lighthearted but sincere chat about the definition of ‘minimal and discrete’, but it didn’t matter. It had the desired effect. Which was to make me feel like a beautiful young woman. I had to hand it to my sister: Anna really came through on this one.

I looked at the selfie I’d taken with Jessie in the hallway before class. I looked at how round and curvy she looked in the hips and on the chest. Then at how plain and straight I looked next to her. The puberty blockers stopped me from getting broad shoulders and a bulging Adam’s Apple, but they didn’t exactly replace those things with a feminine shape. Part of me didn’t want to look at it, to acknowledge how much it made me look like a little boy. But another part of me — the part that reveled in the new friendship that was blossoming between Jessie and me — that part wanted to share it with the world.

My dad had forbidden me from having any form of social media when I was 11. Which, of course, made me want them all the more. I’d set up an Instagram account first and gradually added the others. I couldn’t keep any of the apps on my phone, of course, cos Dad checked it like every five minutes. But I could log in on my computer. Which was what I did.

I waited a million years for the thing to start up. It had been my mom’s once upon a time, but she bought a new one and it became my ‘school laptop’. It mostly got used for games and socials. I airdropped the selfie I’d taken with Jessie onto it and then logged into Insta.

When I did, there was a message request waiting for me. It was from Jessie. I accepted the message and opened it up.

jessie_b3stie: Heyaaaa. Tysm for earlier. Sorry if I’ve been a bit down. Didn’t mean to bring ur mood down too. Anyway, I thought u looked amazing earlier on. Ur sis can do my make up anytime!!

Oh no. Had I made her feel guilty about what I’d said? I didn’t mean to make her feel all paranoid about not being the life and soul of the party. I wanted to tell her that I was just looking out for her. But how to phrase it? I sat back from my keyboard for a second to think. When it was clear that the only thing coming was a stupid radio jingle I’d heard on the way home, I decided I could better spend the time exploring Jessie’s Instagram profile.

Wow! She had a lot of followers. Pretty much the whole soccer team was in her followers. Plus a bunch of people I’ve never heard of before. I noticed too that her Following was even bigger. She must have been a follow-back kind of girl. I tapped onto it and was about to start scrolling when the message alert rolled down from the top of my screen.

jessie_b3stie: Hiieeeeee!!

hellaella: heya — man u got so many follows!!

jessie_b3stie: Ikr. I was looking thru ur acc tho. Did you lose a bunch?

I had 13 followers. Most of them were just randoms.

hellaella: oh yh — my dad made me delete my acc

I had no idea where the lie

came from. Or how it slipped so naturally into the conversation. I don’t normally lie at all. I’m actually really bad at it.

jessie_b3stie: Well you can add a bunch of mine if you like??

hellaella: tysm i just might

There was a long pause after that with neither of us typing. I knew what I wanted to type — the conversation I needed to have with Jessie about those marks I’d seen — but I hadn’t figured on doing it via DM. Jessie was the first to break it.

jessie_b3stie: U looked super cute today with the bow and everything.

She thought I looked cute. I caught myself in the reflection of my screen. I was grinning like an idiot. I didn’t just wanna reply ‘Thx’, but the more I thought about what was the perfect response, the more the seconds were slipping by. I was starting to worry she would think I was ignoring her. Or that I was full of myself. Eventually I swallowed my cringe and just wrote—

hellaella: that made me smile

It wasn’t perfect, but it was something.

jessie_b3stie: You make me smile sometimes, El. Ur such a lol.

I made her smile. That made me smile even more. Then came the death-moment. One of those moments you see sometimes face-to-face when one person goes for a handshake and the other goes for a hug. I sent a message at the same time she sent one. They must have crossed over each other, cos they appeared at the same time.

Hers read,

jessie_b3stie: Oh well, Igtg rn. Dinner time.

But mine read,

hellaella: yk you can talk to me about anything you need to

Silence. Nothing. Her green dot was still on, so she was online. Then it came.

jessie_b3stie: Uh-huh. Thx. Cya.

The green dot went offline.

It was so short. So curt. I didn’t know what it meant, but I was convinced it was bad.

I sat around on my bed for what felt like seven eternities, staring up at the ceiling. That was just totally the wrong thing to say. Now she thought I was some kind of weirdo.

I let the laptop rest on my stomach and watched it all rise up and down as I breathed. But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I concentrated or counted or tried to slow my breathing, I couldn’t stop it bouncing up and down like some kind of agitated alligator, open-mouthed, just waiting for me to put my head between its jaws and to clamp down on me.

She’d gone all casual and all light-hearted, and I’d gone all deep and meaningful. She’d tell the others. I was sure she would. They’d be laughing about it at school tomorrow. She’d send them screenshots. I could tell. She’d be sending them through right now. The crocodile laptop leered back at me like a—

Suddenly, I got a message alert. It was her. It was Jessie!!

jessie_b3stie: Sorry. My mom was gonna snatch the phone. She’s worried about Screen Time ????

Then a direct reply to my last message

—> jessie_b3stie: Ik I can. And you can tell me anything too, El.

jessie_b3stie: Friends are there for each other.

She still wanted to be my friend. I was grinning again. Broad-beaming, like someone had inserted a banana sideways in my mouth.

jessie_b3stie: Igtg. She’s coming up the stairs. Cya. ????????

Jessie went offline.

I hearted the comment. I hearted all the comments. Then I thought that might come across as a bit needy, so I just hearted the comment where she said I could tell her anything too. I wanted to tell her about my transition. About how the doctors had made a mistake and how I couldn’t live with it anymore. I wanted to tell her all those things. I really did. And — for the first time in a long time — I thought I might just be able to.

Submitted: January 02, 2025

Young Adult teen drama ya lgbtq trans