Tension

My head hurts.

My pulse throbs like a resounding gong.

Tension holds my being.

I’m wound in the tightest knot.

I try to cry but pain stops my tears.

The weight won’t release. 

I’m bound to my deepest core

Praying for someone to reach inside 

And remove what has me captive.

I’m overcome by resistance.

Apathy wins.

Weariness pins;

I’m held down and 

Can’t get up.

I’m fighting to breathe.

My chest is restricted.

My ribs claw and compress.

The air won’t fill me.

My scalp is squeezed by muscles 

Like my sutures are forced to seal.

There’s no space,

No gap

To allow anything in.

My mind is shut.

My body flushes with heat.

Blood swells and fire spills

Sweat flows.

I’m drenched in a deluge

Yet my mouth is dry.

I’m thirsty 

Desperate to be quenched 

But I don’t care to get up.

I’m stuck to my bed

A force holds me.

My weight is heavy

I don’t want to try to move.

I just wish someone would come to me,

Someone could come to me 

But they won’t 

They can’t. 

I’m alone

I have to do it alone. 

I have to survive 

But I’m tired of surviving.

I want to thrive

But the pain is great.

The pain I bear

No one understands. 

They try

But that doesn’t come close. 

What they think they know is maybe of fifth of what I actually reveal.

There’s so much hidden beneath the surface. 

I don’t want it uncovered. 

I don’t know how to uncover it.

My back is locked.

Everything in me is intertwined;

Tight here and tight there. 

One doesn’t exist without the other. 

My jaw is latched.

I have to force it open.

When I speak 

I regret it 

Because it only reveals more of what they don’t understand;

What I don’t understand.

I don’t have the answers to the questions that imprison me.

It’s hell

To suffer and know there’s an alternative 

I’m passing up

But I can’t explain my way out.

I can’t make sense of it;

That I’m not doing what I know I’m supposed to.

All I know is I’m weak.

I’m  worn.

I’m weary.

I’m fragile. 

And anything causes me to crack.

These cracks are becoming crevices 

They’re too deep, too wide to fill.

I just want someone to come pick me up,

Come hold me;

Come fuse me back together.

My nerves burn,

They’re frozen,

Fixed.

Electric sensation shoots up and down,

Back and forth. 

My eyes long for darkness,

For peace. 

The light is blinding.

It pierces.

My lens is busted;

Nothing soothes.

My bones are jumbled;

Articulated incorrectly. 

Each position is off.

What I describe,

What I cry,

People don’t even comprehend. 

No one can see the whole picture.

No one can take it all in

So I’m stuck holding it all.

I don’t want to eat.

I force it.

I only move because of discomfort.

I disassociate.

I perform.

I comply

So that I do what’s needed. 

I get done what I have to 

After all 

That’s how I was trained.

But I neglect 

The little girl calling out for rescue;

The girl I denied. 

The girl I refused to know;

Now she staring at me 

Asking for help.

I can’t ignore her anymore; 

She’s taken control over me and 

Is crying out with my body.

All of me says “please!” 

All she wants is for me to hold her hand 

To assure her. 

We are walking through this together 

No matter how many steps. 

I stay by her side. 

I can’t shake her 

She’s clinging to me.

She’s asking why

And I have no response 

Just that 

What happened 

Happened.

And in all the unknown 

I have to choose to heal.

I’m trying. 

Can’t they see I’m trying?! 

I want sleep 

But it’s restless.

My dreams are plagued with oppression. 

Again my heart pounds;

Thud after thud,

After thud,

After thud.

That’s the sound that puts me to sleep. 

I can’t remove it.

I can’t replace it.

It’s always been there

The thudding of the deep 

That echoes incessantly.

It never leaves 

It’s all I’ve known.

After all these years 

It’s expected;

That if I don’t hear it

Something is missing. 

So I close my eyes 

And I pray 

For a break from it all,

For a moment of silence,

Just enough to prepare me to face the noise again.