11

Maybe it was when her best friend told her to stop being so loud and clingy in first grade or maybe when she betrayed her by being best friends with someone else and stopped talking to her for whatever reason (although she thought she got bored of her) in fourth grade that she started to feel like she would never be enough.

She would never be best friends with the girl in her apartment because she only used her when she needed it and she would never be best friends with the girl at her school because she never really realized how much she hurt her self esteem. She would never be best friends with the girl in the park because she already had a best friend and she would never be best friends with that boy in her friend group because he will never look at her as a friend. Her parents loved her and her brother equally. All the friends she had never really chose her. That didn’t matter though because she was nobody’s first choice anyways. She was okay with it, but not really.

Blake was in eleventh grade, in a class where she didn’t really know anyone but she hated being alone so she decided to talk to the only group that felt kind enough to make her feel welcome. She didn’t think they would want her but at least they would be kind enough to not leave her by herself.

To her surprise they actually wanted her. They liked her.

Each day was the same; they would sit, talk and sometimes Blake would be alone with Ansel or Dahlia but never with Kali. She didn’t really care though. She didn’t have a lot to talk with her and whenever she was with Dahlia, Dahlia never payed attention to Blake anyways.

She liked talking with Dahlia, she was deep and she felt like she could share everything she was scared to say out loud. Dahlia never made her feel judged and she always listened and shared her thoughts. For Blake, their conversations were special. She liked talking with anyone this much before. Except, of course, when Kali joined them. When she did, Dahlia could never focus on two people at the same time so she stopped listening Blake.

Dahlia liked drawing, she would always draw when she was talking to someone. She drew Blake a lot. She thought Blake was beautiful. At least that’s what she told her. She looked at her in awe whenever she dressed up or even when she dressed down.  She found her eyes captivating and her voice heavenly. Whenever Blake would sing, Dahlia would immediately stop whatever she was doing just to listen.

Blake thought Dahlia had a different beauty than a lot of people. She never cared much about appearance even though to her Dahlia’s smile was more marvelous than any other person’s. She cared more about how she made her feel which was belonging. Unless of course Kali was there. Dahlia always made her feel safe and wanted.To Blake, she was like a little fairy flying around the lake in the green forest with sunlight coming in as streaks. Even though she was actually pretty thin she didn’t feel petite around Dahlia. She even felt a little masculine, she didn’t really care.

On the other hand Ansel was someone who had really strong opinions about a lot of things. He liked talking to Blake because she was someone he can talk and disagree with. He always waited their lessons to end so that they could talk. He told Blake that neither Dahlia or Kali were this fun to talk with because they didn’t understand him. Blake didn’t reall dwell on that.

This year all her days was almost perfect, she had a good friend group and she was either Dahlia’s or Ansel’s first choice. It depended on wether Kali was there but she didn’t care. She felt wanted. One day only her and Dahlia had shown up to school and it was amazing. They talked for hours wether it was deep or superficial. Dahlia didn’t have anybody other than her that she can focus on.

“I don’t think anyone ever loves me for me, you know?” Dahlia looked up from her drawing. “In a way that like, everyone that has ever flirted with me only thought i looked sexy. I don’t think i’ve ever been loved or even liked properly.” Blake explained herself as she looked at the black board. “You are one of the most lovable people i’ve ever met. Anyone who doesn’t see that is a jerk and a blind. I mean yes you are sexy but you are so beautiful and helpful and thoughtful… You are an amazing friend to everyone.” Blake laughed, “Don’t forget that you have a boyfriend, you can’t get with this.” She said showing her body. Dahlia touched her arm gently, “Just wait a year, then we can try.”

Blake knew she didn’t really mean it, she couldn’t have. Did she? “I’ll be waiting.” She found herself saying as Dahlia smiled and winked. Blake knew shewould wait her forever if she asked, but she also knew Dahlia wouldn’t. She didn’t care, at least she had a chance.

New year was coming and they knew they weren’t gonna be together celebrating so they decided to go to a club. They got ready together, took tons of photos and they were late together. “Fashionably late” as Dahlia had said tons of times, although Blake knew it was too late for it to be “fashionably”. When they arrived they immediatly started drinking and dancing. Blake was a lightweight, althoughshe was a little proud of it because in this economy she wouldn’t want to be buying tons of alcohol only to get tipsy.

Ansel on the other hand thought he wouldn’t get drunk enough in the club so he drank before coming in. After he got drunk he was uncomfortably close to Blake which she hated sos he spent the night ignoring him. Lucky for her he found some other friends to hang out so he stopped bothering. After that Blake started actually enjoying her drunkiness. She kept drinking and dancing.

Everyone around her was dancing and everything around her was spinning. She liked feeling like this, she liked that she didn’t really need to think in that moment and that she liked that nobody was sober enough to care about her, not that they usually did anyway. In that moment she saw Dahlia lit a cigarette. Even though the music was loud and people were louder, she heard the lighter’s soft sound. At least she thought she did. Dahlia noticed her watching and took a deep breath of her cigarette. Blake kept dancing in ways that kept Dahlia’s attention on her. She wanted her attention to be always on her.

“Do you want to take a drag?”

She never tried it before but she wanted to do it. She didn’t really know why, maybe it was because it looked cool or maybe it was because she didn’t know what to do with all those feelings that she wanted to punish herself or maybe it was just because Dahlia offered it to her. So she reached to what felt like a petal painted with Dahlia’s lipstick and she dragged it to her mouth to take a deep breath.

And that’s when it happened, all the alcohol on the red lips suddenly intertwined with hers quickly enough for her to be unable to react but not quickly enough that she would think it was something she imagined.

And everything stopped.

She didn’t feel drunk anymore.

Dahlia had kissed her.

Blake looked at her but Dahlia couldn’t figure out if it was regret, shock or happiness.

“You told me you weren’t into girls.”

“I told you i wasn’t sure.”

She kept her gaze at Dahlia. For Blake, the kiss made her feel a lot of things. Everything she ever lived with her went through her mind. She thought this was what dying like and she wanted to die forever. Then it stopped. She breathed, she lived. She remember Dahlia’s boyfriend. The one she wasn’t really ready to leave. And she remembered all the times she showed her vulnerable side. She remembered how she told her she loved herand how she showed all the poems she ever wrote about her except one. Dahlia responded to her feelings but not actually. Blake knew she was being toyed around from the start but she never really cared because all she wanted was Dahlia. She wanted to be with her so bad that she didn’t care what way, she didn’t care how Dahlia was almost flirting with everyone because at least she was flirting with her too. She didn’t care she had a boyfriend because she never stood her up because of him. She didn’t care how she kissed her friends as a joke tonight because at least she kissed her too.

She wanted to scream.

“Okay.”

The next day she woke up in Dahlia’s room. She wished Dahlia had slept next to her. It was okay, at least she didn’t sleep next to Kali.

Before they were going to drink, they all planned to stay at Dahlia’s that night. Kali had slept in the guest bedroom, Dahlia had slept in the living room on the couch and she had given her room to Blake. Blake didn’t know if it was because Dahlia had felt bad about the other night or she just did it as a twisted plan. She didn’t really think Dahlia would be so cruel.

She got out of the bed and immediatly wanted to throw up because of the smoke odor on her hair. She regretted that she smoked, she felt dirty.

She heard a door knock, then Dahlia came in.

“Morning, you okay?”

Blake remembered how she cried all night. She thanked whatever that was up there that her eyes weren’t swollen.

“Yeah, I just have to take a shower.”

She took a shower, they had breakfast and Blake went home. She was already ashamed and confused of what had happened. She wanted to be left alone for a while to clear her thoughts but it didn’t last long when Dahlia called her.

“Hey, are you okay? You seemed weird.” Blake laughed a little, she didn’t really know why.

“You know i love you.” She said tiredly. She heard Dahlia smiled accross the phone.

“I love you too, you know.”

“No Dahlia, i love love you and you keep giving me hope. You have a boyfriend. You know, i’m happy that i have the chance to hang out with you no matter how. My heart aches everytime you look at me but it never bothers me because I feel lucky that i get to hang out with you, to even be around you. But i’ve neverthought you would kiss me. I wouldn’t care my whole body colllapsing if it means kissing you again but you have a boyfriend that you don’t want to leave. So you have someone to do all these things with, please don’t drag me in it anymore.” She almost whispered the last sentence because it wasn’t from her heart, it was from her thoughtful brain.

“I’m sorry Blake. I never realised the effect i had on you. I’m sorry.” She took a deep breath, “I do love you, i wouldn’t want to hurt you.”

“I know Dahls, i know.”

Two days had passed and she felt the same. Every day was the same and that’s when it dawned on her that every day was going to be the same unless she got out of it. She decided she was going to get over her and that’s when she met Kane. And that’s when Ansel told her he liked her.

“You know everybody says we’re perfect for each other.” He said looking out the window. Blake laughed a little, “Yeah i enjoy our friendship.” She felt weirded out by saying that. Ever since Ansel tried to flirt with her while they were drunk, she was avoiding him a little. “We never talk like we use to anymore.” He turned to Blake as she started looking out the window, “I think we could be a very good couple.” Blake didn’t want to hear anything else, “What?” she acted like she didn’t hear, hoping he’d become discouraged. It didn’t happen. “I know you’re talking with someone else but leave him, be with me. Be my girlfriend.” Blake finally turned to look at Ansel,”I’m sorry i-“ he cut her off, “Why? We get along so well, why can’t we be?” Blake felt like she was in a movie because of the way he talked. “Because i don’t like you that way.” Ansel looked at her deeply. “Okay.” He left. Blake thought he wasn’t going to come back.

After this everything was rushed with Kane; eight days after they had met, she was his girlfriend. They were on the phone a lot but none of them really talked. They just looked at each other for hours. He was a nice guy, at least that’s what he kept saying. One time he told her about her ex girlfriend and started crying because how much she had hurt him. Blake just listened and thought how emotional he was, she never wanted to hurt him like she did. Kane always wanted to make out whenever they met. Blake once asked why couldn’t they just talk because they were in public and she was uncomfortable. Kane said because he couldn’t really find things to talk about with her. Blake started to realize if they weren’t dating, she wouldn’t wanna be friends with him. Kane always talked about sex and how exciting it would be to actually do it if Blake was also ready. Blake thought she was ready, she just wasn’t for him. Whenever they were kissing (which was all the time according to Blake) he would ask for a blow job. The thought of it made Blake want to vomit. One day they went to an abbondoned house and Kane kept persisting.

After a while they broke up. He cried and she felt disgusted.

Dahlia kept asking how she was. She felt a difference in her confidence and in her happiness. Blake never really told her though. She didn’t feel like talking anymore. She didn’t want to do anything.

Days passed, Dahlia never stopped trying to cheer Blake up but she also wasn’t with her a lot anymore. When Blake was with Kane, Kali and Ansel had started going out but after they had broken up, Dahlia spent her time with Kali and Blake didn’t feel like she can even be with one person let alone two sos he never joined them. Ansel wasn’t talking with her anyways. She was once again alone. Blake started to feel like a camera following everyone around and that’s when she decided to go somewhere she hoped would accept her.

It was a windy day when she decided to climb up the stairs of her apartment to the top. The weather was cool but the sun was shining. She liked the sun. It remembered her the simpler times.

She remembered the sensation she thought was death. It was exciting, peaceful, easy. She looked down from the rooftop, her hair was flowing around. She thought of her life. Her loving parents, her brother she practically raised, her friend group that had formed and how excited they were for going to the trip school was organizing. She wondered what would happen if she felt like she had time to go there. But she knew she didn’t have time left. This was it. She took a breath to appreciate the chilly weather.

“Hey, what are you looking at?”

Blake turned around to see someone looking at her with curiosity. “Nothing.”

The boy slightly tilted his head, “Are you going to jump?”

 She smiled at him, “Why are you here?”

“I don’t know, i had a dream last night that i was here.”

“Did you see me?” She asked,  she felt a little out of character but it didn’t matter anyway, that boy didn’t know her and he’ll never get the chance to.

“I did actually, i mean i’m not sure i saw you exactly but i saw someone.” He shrugged. “I guess i was meant to see you.” Blake had a soft smile playing on her lips. “Why?” The boy looked at her, “In my dream i was the one on the edge and you were standing in my place.” He looked thoughtful for a moment, “Someone once said to me before that everyone played a side role in someone else’s life.”

Blake let herself smile this time, she felt content. “Well, i’ve never felt like i was the protagonist anyway. I guessed my role is almost done. It isn’t finished in your story, so what is it?”

“Your role? In my story? I don’t know yet, maybe what you say will effect me in the future.”

“I don’t think i’m that inspirational but i hope it will be something beautiful. I’d want to feel beautiful one last time, it was taken away from me.” She turned around, once again, to face the passing cars and the long buildings. “I want to die happy. Can you tell me something?”

The boy was silent for a second, Blake thought he was frowning.

“I think if you weren’t dying I would have loved you in a way that scares me.” She heard him say, she smiled a little, “I think i loved you already.” She closed her eyes and became one with the air.

Every dirty area on her body was wiped away with the increasing air. First, the dirty old hands on her upper thigh left her body alone. Then the unasked lingering hands on her ass and the hasty drunk ones that were trying to undo her pants left. A little later she finally felt the foul hands on the back of her head and the filthy tool in her mouth leave. And by the time she reached the land, her body was pure again.