The Last Fix

IceBreaker Iceland

It really doesn't take much to get immersed in your writing. I don't know why but it's something about the 90s that is so nostalgic even though I was alive only for the last 5 years of it. I'm glad you made the choice to set the story back in time. I can feel the vibe.

I relate strongly to Erin even though I haven't necessarily been through some of the things she's been through, it sounds like her and I have a similar thought process. So it was very easy for me to connect to her and made me want to read on. I also instantly grew a liking to Landon. He seemed sweet and understanding, but me as the reader has (or would it be "have"? fuck it, either way) only read about him for a few minutes. This was my first encounter with him. There's some dark shit underneath the surface and Erin will find out about it.

I'm a little scared, but more so excited because I know they both have serious issues and okay, I'm a bit of a slut when it comes to toxic relationships. I know they're wrong but I love reading about them. Something about it intensifies the love for me. Red flag, I know. Lol. (Hence my love for Molly and Adam)

But anyway, reading onto the second chapter...
I always have more I want to say. My mental shit always prevents me from correctly articulating what I want to say. smh.
Onwards :)

Also, wonderful song choice. One of my favorites from Hole.

DampKitten

Wow, where to begin. First with your response to Bri - I know exactly how you feel about losing shit. I lost a ton of stuff on Silk. No backup. Sixty chapters of the rankest scuzz I've ever splattered on a page... gone forever. And other things.

I'm trying to determine how I remember to bring my ID and forget my wallet. Then, I'm thinking I'm stoned or drunk or both. Yeah, I can see it. Actually, I bring an ID, a credit card, and a small wad of cash for G Strings in case I see any.

Seriously, you killed this with your character development. The dialogue is fantastic, particularly the humor. That's fab for warming your reader to these two strangers at the bar. I also love how you play the chapter with this ironic twist at the end. Brilliantly done. By the way, this chapter was not in IMAGE - not the one I read, anyway. Totally new to me.

There's no spoon feeding for miles. Very professional. What I learn is incidental to events and dialogue, not narrative. Word choice is both intellectual and relatable. Imagery is well placed and attended. I'm especially impressed with your descriptions of the lead singer. Everything about him is charming from looks to wit to humility - and especially his generosity. What's not to love?

Robyn is a self-centered bitch who learns a lesson for all her belabored inconvenience of babysitting. Not only did the prince kiss Cinderella right in front of her, he also thinks she is trash. Double crotch kick, and congrats on that arrangement. Well presented. "The force is strong with this one." KARMA

This is a great opening chapter. There are subtle hints to the darkness that is Riley's personality and past. You put the salt on the rim, so to speak. We know something big is under the rug, but it's way out of our reach for now... as it should be. You're building the anticipation and setting the table. Loved that kiss... succulent and heroic. Sexy.

The bracelet is a perfect touch. It adds immeasurable depth to everything you are doing... puts the piece on a pedestal. I look for more references and symbolism as we continue. There's some double entendre to your dialogue as well. You've threaded this carefully, and it shows.

Very strong start...

DampKitten

We discussed the need to crank up the crude and the raunch when we talked about Image so long ago... I mean, you had that posted on Silk, and I was straining to find anything beyond PG-13. I was like, 'this girl is not a Pat Boone groupie'.

You don't need a Literotica account to read over there or even comment. Your comments will show up as anonymous, but you can say who you are.

I didn't notice formatting issues, but I'm not one to mix in italics and bold print the way I probably should for emphasis. I didn't think the wallet thing was a big deal either. There was nothing noticeably out of place in the chapter. Riley is much more assertive and confident than I remember her in Image - just an observation.

I think having her describe herself as one way and behave in another adds depth to her character. First person pieces should always cast doubt on protagonist reliability and demand a higher energy from readers when it comes to looking between the lines. That's why some people don't like reading first person. There's more work involved.

Landon has a charismatic self-confidence that adds to his attractiveness. He finds Riley's boldness uniquely refreshing while being amused that she is oblivious to his identity. It's a nice literary setup and a fabulous introduction between the main characters for your piece.

DampKitten

"Traditional Publishing"
I'm not sure what you even mean by that, but I'm assuming you're talking about paperback novels at Barnes & Noble or the Kindle versions. Moreover, I suspect you're speaking to the method more so than the product. That's a difficult route to take.

What you want to do as an author is create a cult following. Have you ever read Verity by Colleen Hoover? If not, put down what you are doing and dedicate four hours to that book. That's about all the time you need to read it. The piece will curl your hair, and that's the kind of roughage you need to put in your literary diet... given your subject matter. It's shocking and serrated yet elegantly intimate. The depth of your piece is substantially more complex, but this is how you do it. Slap your reader in the face.

Colleen, by the way, is a self-made author who posted her own shit for years. Her following was such that the publishers came to her, not vice versa. She's not for everyone, and she is willing to admit it. When you get through the book, read the comments she makes to people in the last pages. Not sure these are available on Kindle, but they are definitely in the paperback. She basically tells her husband and children not to read it. Very frank.

In a word, if you are 'limiting yourself' based on publication aspirations, you've already lost.

You want to suggest that Riley is damaged. She needs to behave that way, talk that way, think that way. That is a huge challenge to write for someone who hasn't been down in the sewer where 'ugly' is at a whole different level. Some of your readers may have been there and some may know people who have been there, so you've got to shoot for legitimacy to be taken seriously. It's gross down there. You can't dress it up.

The sex in your novel will have no effect on any of this unless it is perceived to be thrown into the piece purely to titillate the reader. It must be in context.

Sex is in practically every book I read. It's absolutely pervasive. What separates erotica from erotic drama is debatable. Your piece isn't meant to be erotic, so the sex has to have an edge to it. That doesn't mean you can't ramp it up and make your reader view the chapter ten times. It just means the verbiage and imagery of each scene have to coincide with the story's energy and aura.

Because you read and you're a writer, you know what I'm talking about. Every piece has a personality. You stay within those parameters. Before you sit down to write your next chapter, you re-read the one before. You set the metronome and type to the beat.

Everything has to have context. It doesn't have to be immediately obvious, though. You can refer back to things later in the book, and that is a particularly cool technique.

DampKitten

So, as promised, I came back to read chapter one! Wow, you have been working on this haven’t you! My memory isn’t that great, but it feels like this whole chapter has been revamped. Let me start by saying the first draft you posted was excellent as I told you in the above reviews.

I think the main stimulus for revision was getting Landon on stage, and I do like that effect as I knew that I would. I love this subliminal sexual inference in the bar conversation about Landon drawing Riley. “Do me,” she says. Landon replies, “I don’t want to mess you up.”

Once again, the dialogue at the bar is particularly endearing to Landon, though I do see the physical elements of withdrawal and dependency that you mentioned. Riley finds him attractive regardless. The fact that she’s oblivious to his identity isn’t lost on the reader… in fact you almost clue your reader in a little too well to be honest. You might try to make this more subtle until Landon hits the stage.

The all important wrist band for a kiss exchange is still there in all its passion. I love the humor in this chapter, the witty exchanges.


I will say that the chapter feels much longer than previous, and while your meticulous description is amazing, I’d suggest you dial that back once Landon leaves for his engagement. You want to focus on the surprise factor of Landon as lead singer, perhaps the sound of his voice, and particularly his glance at Riley when the music begins. We may want to touch on the other band members later and wrap this thing up pretty quickly after the big reveal. It kind of drags a little bit in the end