Chapter 6: (v.2) Confronting the father again and then talking about it with the Teacher

He woke up frightened, with no memory of what he dreamt last night. For the better, as it couldn’t have been good.

Looking at his clock, he saw that it said 12:35 p.m. and realized that he had slept more than he used to. “What should I do now, really?” he wondered.

Remembering the image of his father from two days ago, he thought that they hadn’t talked since then. The fear that there could be consequences started to grow again.

What did his father think of him? Did he avoid him because he was angry? Or had he rejected him totally?

Panic overwhelmed him, and suddenly he convinced himself again that his outburst was something wrong, like a misbehavior of a good kid.

At that moment, he recalled what the Teacher told him regarding guilt; that it is a devious way to repeat mistakes over and over again. Upon grasping that, the magnitude of the guilt suddenly reduced. But it didn’t vanish, so he thought that maybe he should do something about it.

"Maybe I could visit his office and apologize,” he thought.

He dressed up, drank a coffee and walked to Petros’ office. As he entered the door, his body started shaking with fear.

His father sat on his chair and worked. When he raised his eyebrows and saw it was Christos, he gave a threatening glance.

"Oh, you are here?” Petros asked. “Come! Have a sit!”

Christos sat on one of the chairs with his head bent down. “How is it going?” he asked Petros.

"Good,” Petros replied tersely.

Were you angry with me the other day?” asked Christos, putting in a lot of effort to talk.

"No,” Petros said, “I was sad.”

Guilt overwhelmed Christos. “You made your father sad!” the voice of his mother sounded inside his head, almost as if she was standing next to him, scolding him.

"You were sad?”

"Yes.” he replied. “It made me sad that you see things this way!” and added angrily, “You told me a few days before that you don’t know anybody here! But, you are studying at Thessaloniki! When you return to Aleksandroupoli you will then make new acquaintances!”

Christos opened his mouth to speak, but words did not come out. He sat there petrified from fear, in front of his angry father.

"You have a lot of anger!” his father continued. “Your anger is evil!” Then Petros looked at Christos with a threatening stare and said, “Be careful! I have a lot of anger as well! But I don’t let it out! I keep it inside! That is what you should do!”

Petros stood up and added, “When I was in high school, one time I was so angry that I punched the wall and broke my fingers!”

Kicking and punching in the air, Petros made a crude yet graphical reenactment of that memory.

"He is going to hit me!” thought Christos and felt an urge to flee. But he couldn’t even do that.

"But what do you know,” Petros talked to himself, “we work so many years for them and this is what we get! How ungrateful!”

These last words made Christos reach his limits, thus giving up. He sunk into depression.

Then, as if he had finished preaching, just as if he had pushed a button, Petros changed expression and looked calm.

"Time to go home,” Petros said, “would you like to come?”

Christos turned into the good kid of the family again and wanted to go by his father's will. He nodded in agreement, still not being able to speak from the shock.

They returned home and the family had lunch, again everyone isolated from each other, watching news in the T.V.

Slowly and progressively, the fear began to subside from Christos’ mind and he felt better. His father did not reject him completely, and he got away with a very harsh scold, followed by threats. There were some times that he became angry with his father but he believed that no matter what he said or did, nothing would change.

He didn’t want to be involved with this event for the moment, as each time he did, he saw himself as a weak person, without any power and without his opinion having any value in his family.

"Same old, same old,” he thought and despair overwhelmed him. He repeated the eternal question that he had, existing not only in his but in the minds of many other youth, “When will I be heard in this house?”

***

Time passed by and Christos took a taxi to go to the Teacher, as they their appointment was at 6:00 p.m.

Greeting Christos at the door, the Teacher asked, “What’s wrong Christos? You look depressed!”

"I thought what you told me before about guilt,” said Christos sad. “I went to my fathers’ office this morning to apologize, but the guilt didn’t go away!”

"Seriously?” said the Teacher. “Come in! Come in! I want to hear this in detail!”

Christos began to describe the recent event with his father. Upon hearing the words , the Teacher laughed.

"'Evil' Anger!” he said. “But is it possible for anger to be something good? Hahaha! Petros says some good ones from time to time!”

"He advised me to hold my anger inside,” added Christos.

"You were holding your anger your whole life Christos, and you saw what happened eventually. You still think this is good advice?”

"I don’t think so!” said Christos.

Christos narrated his father's childhood memory, when he broke his fingers on the wall.

"It seems your father got scared after this event,” said the Teacher.

"Got scared of what?” wondered Christos.

"His own anger!” the Teacher replied.

Christos processed that. “Could it be that I fear my own anger as well?” he asked himself. He decided to think about this topic another time.

"Guilt is a very serious issue,” said the Teacher referring to what Christos initially said. “You might need a lot of time to overcome your guilt, if you ever do.”

"But what my father said in the end, that he and my mother work for us and that I and Michalis are ungrateful? Doesn’t he have a point?”

"Christos, your parents don’t work only for you!” said the Teacher, “they like their jobs!” He then added, “All the members of the family are equals. While the parents bring money, the children bring knowledge in the family with their studies and ideas! It is the children who really develop the family!”

Christos felt encouraged from these words. He thought, “Maybe I am not as worthless as I think. Maybe.”

"You didn’t have to apologize to your father,” the Teacher continued, “what you said to him was truth. If you made him sad, it wasn’t your intention!”

"No, I had no intention,” Christos agreed.

"Then why have guilt?”

Christos’ mind cleared with this realization and he felt lighter, as if he discarded a heavy bag from his back. Yet, still, the crucial matter was unresolved:

"I couldn’t communicate with him,” said Christos disappointed.

"Since this appears to your problem with him,” said the Teacher, “let’s see what causes your communication to block.”

Taking a pen and a paper from a drawer, the Teacher gave them to Christos. Then he said, “I want you to find events, memories of your past where you lose your etymology.”

Christos tried to remember, and a memory came, when he was ten years old:

His whole family gathered at the living room watching TV, which it broadcasted a revue. The actor used vulgar speech.

Little Christos repeated what the actor was saying.

"Hey, shut it!” shouted his father and his brother at the same time and little Christos got scared and became silent.

Associatively, an additional memory came to his mind:

It was about the same time period, again everyone in the living room and watching tv, where it showed a comedian who spoke in a strange manner.

Little Christos turned to his father, imitating the comedian's strange voice, “That person can make you deaf!”

Not breaking his concentration from the TV show, playing impassive and looking embarrassed, Petros stated, “I don’t understand!”

Taking his father's side, Michalis said, “What is this bullshit he is talking about?” Michalis’ voice had a tone of disgust, as if he also felt embarrassed for his brother.

Christos became embarrassed for his behavior and didn’t speak again.

"All of these,” said the Teacher, “as well as I imagine even more similar events had one consequence for you, Christos!”

"And what is that?”

"To lose your ability to speak freely!”

"He is right,” thought Christos, considering to previous event with his father, who only from raising his voice, leveled Christos to the ground.

"This cannot go on,” thought Christos desperate. “How can I fix my problem?” he asked.

"You will speak with a loud voice!” the Teacher replied. “A loud voice implies confidence!”

Christos lowered his head and got lost in his thoughts. For as long as he could remember, when he was in the company of others he lowered his head. A habit he adopted from a very small age.

"This will be your moto!”

These words made Christos return to the present and gave him courage. He felt stronger.

Seeing Christos’ reaction, the Teacher smiled. “He seems to understand what I say,” he thought. “Time for an assignment!”

"So,” the Teacher said, “now we will do a practical exercise!”

"What?” asked Christos feeling uncomfortable.

"I want you to write down a text with vulgar language, swearing, whatever comes to mind!”

"But why?”

"Just do it!” said the Teacher with love but also firmness.

He wrote some of the words that he considered to be vulgar.

"And now read what you wrote out loud!” said the Teacher at the same time making his voice louder at the word 'loud.'

"Out loud?” said Christos and became red from embarrassment.

"Yes, as loud as you can!”

Christos started reading, but his voice could be barely heard.

"What did you say?” said the Teacher. “I didn’t hear you!”

Christos repeated with raising his voice to normal volume.

"You call this loud?”

He spoke again with a louder voice.

"LOUUUDEEERR!!”

Christos repeated shouting like a savage and then, when he realized what he had done, his shame left him.

The Teacher laughed. “The things I make you go through,” he said, “are lessons to make you overcome your fears. I want to make you climb big mountains, so that smaller hills will look easy to you.”

"Thank you,” said Christos.

"Okay,” said the Teacher. “So, what are you going to do now?”

Christos realized that the appointment was over.

"I will try to communicate with my relatives,” he said, “and especially with my father!”

"That would be good,” Teacher said. “It is time to bridge the gap that separates you from him!”

"When should I come again?”

The next two days I am already booked so it is not possible,” the Teacher replied. “What about Tuesday at 10 a.m.?”

"Okay,” said Christos hesitantly. “But what if I have another anger outburst?” he thought.

The Teacher, as if reading Christos’ mind, said, “If you feel angry again, go to the forest, pick up fallen wood branches and release your anger at the bushes. That will help you relax!”

"Is it necessary I do that?” Christos asked frightened. “Why do I have to go over this. . . procedure?”

"He fears his own anger,” the Teacher thought and replied, “It is important to express your anger if you want to develop yourself. You must express your anger, as much as it is needed and whenever necessary!"

"And what if I hit somebody?”

"We do not unleash our rage physically towards humans and animals.”

"I understand why,” said Christos. “But what if I can’t hold myself and thus don’t have time to go to the forest?”

"Then you can hit an inanimate object, such as a pen or a pillow. A good thing to do is to grab a pillow, punch it hard and then put your face on it and scream! That will release your tension for sure!”

"Okay,” Christos stated with one word. “I will keep that in mind!”

On his way home, Christos thought about all the things he learned that day and realized that the appointments with the Teacher benefitted him indeed. He had started to feel a great liking to his person as well.