Chapter 5: (v.2) You have a lot of guilt, my friend

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Night came, and his father returned from work.

Christos observed him.

He seemed to be without energy, not happy at all, as if leveled to the ground. Without saying anything, he left and went to his room.

"He is angry with me!” said Christos to Michalis, who sat near him.

"No, I don’t think so,” replied Michalis. “He is simply tired!”

Christos did not believe that for a second.

Continuing the conversation, Michalis said, “Christos, would you like to go out for a drink?”

"Sure, why not?” Christos agreed. After a dressing preparation, they both went out.

They sat at a bar and conversed.

"It is a good thing to release one's anger,” Michalis said.

"Oh, really?” asked Christos, almost impassive.

"Yes! When I was a teenager, I was always very angry!” said Michalis. “But I expressed my anger, so now I am calm!”

Christos didn’t think, or conclude anything. He only said with pain in his voice: “Why shouldn’t I have a girlfriend?”

The conversation continued with his big brother giving him 'advice' about relationship topics and consolation.

"Don’t think you are the only one who has problems,” said Michalis, “other people have issues too. You should learn to solve your own problems!”

Christos listened to what Michalis said, trying in vain to find some usefulness to what he heard.

"You will find a girlfriend,” said Michalis finally, “but first, you must fix yourself!”

"And what does that mean?” asked Christos.

"It means to do things to make yourself a better person!” replied Michalis.

Christos did not continue the conversation and after a while they returned home. Due to physical exhaustion he effortlessly fell asleep, wishing that next day things would be better.

***

Dreams of monsters and ugly faces haunted Christos during the night.

Waking up sweaty in his bed, he wondered if yesterday's events were part of his dreams. Disappointment came from the realization that they weren’t.

After getting up from bed and washing his face, he remembered his appointment with the Teacher. Looking at his watch, it said 9:15 a.m.

He took a coffee and then took a taxi to go to Teacher's house. On the road to his destination, he wondered if going there would be a good idea. He had the impression that even Teacher would be against him.

***

He rang the doorbell.

The door opened, and the Teacher welcomed him with a bright smile. “Good morning Christos!” he said. “Come on in!”

Christos felt acceptance, yet he still feared a lot. He feared that this could be some kind of trap. “I am fine,” he said flaccidly.

He entered the house and they went to Teacher's office, where they had their previous appointments.

"So,” the Teacher asked, “how do you feel?”

"A bit confused,” Christos replied.

"Can you narrate on what happened yesterday?”

Christos described in detail the happenings that took place in the beach, his outburst in the car as well as the things that he said to his father and to his brother. He referred also to his own interpretation of what he thought was the reason his father left; to make him feel guilty.

"What you unleashed was pure rage,” said the Teacher. “Every human being some time in his or her life rebels. Most people rebel on their teens and others at an older age. But this revolution happens, sooner or later.

"You think that what I did was natural?” asked Christos worried, hanging on every word the Teacher said.

“Yes,” the Teacher replied. “It was natural to happen to you as well! And it happened without consequences!”

Christos felt relieved with these words. There was no reason to feel guilty with this behavior. “What do mean by saying that it happened without consequences?”

Some of those who rebel lose their path and their deeds, driven by anger lead them to physical harm of themselves or others. They become wounded or mutilated, they kill or they get killed.”

A cold chill run through Christos’ spine as he thought about his reckless driving just before his anger exploded.

"But you,” the Teacher added, “didn’t experience any of those thankfully,” and laughed joyfully. “What happened yesterday was a birth. Through your anger, you were reborn.”

"And you were the nurse,” stated Christos.

"And I was the nurse,” the Teacher agreed and laughed. A smile that radiated with love and acceptance.

Christos felt relaxed and stopped being afraid. He continued by recounting what took place later with his mother.

"Ahh.” said the Teacher. “What should be done in such cases is to leave the person that it upset alone.”

So what could I have done?”

“You could have said, 'I should better let you relax alone mother,' and simply leave the kitchen.”

"And why would I do that?” asked Christos.

"It is not wise to face another person when that person is upset. I believe that your presence did not improve her condition.”

"No, it didn’t,” Christos agreed.

Christos continued telling what had happened, referring to later events, when his father returned home at night and when he went out with his brother.

"Is that all?” asked the Teacher. “Anything else?”

"No,” he replied.

"Well,” the Teacher said moments later, “there is one thing I would like to add.”

"And what is that?”

"First of all,” the Teacher said, “you have a lot of guilt. This was shown when you thought that your father left in order to punish you and also from your reaction towards your mother when she started crying.”

"Is having guilt a good thing?”

"Of course not!” said the Teacher. “Guilt is never a good thing.”

"And why not?”

"Because guilt is a clever way to repeat the same mistake over and over again in the future.”

"And when do we feel guilty?”

"When we think that what we have done is unfair,” the Teacher replied.

"How is it possible not to feel guilt?” asked Christos who found extremely interesting all this new knowledge.

"When we recognize that we had no intention to do what we did,” Teacher replied.

"What if there has been some serious mistake? For example like accidentally hitting somebody?”

"In such cases, in order not to repeat the same mistake again in the future, the best thing to do is to do something about it. We could say to the sufferer, 'I am terribly sorry, I didn’t really intend to harm you, can I do something to make up for it?'”

That was something new for Christos, since as long as he could remember, when guilt came he believed that there was nothing he could do to make it go away. Since a way to deal with it existed, Christos thought that he could try to apply this advice and have his own experience. But something deep inside told him that the Teacher knew what he was talking about.

"Thank you sir,” Christos said shyly and humbly. “I believe this will help me.”

The Teacher responded with a smile. “He appears willing to learn,” he thought. “This is good.”

The appointment continued with casual talk until the time came for Christos to leave.

"What should I do now?” asked Christos who momentarily started panicking with the thought of going back home.

"Try to take it easy,” said the Teacher. “Go for a swim or go to the cinema! And if you need my help with something, all you need to do is call!”

"Okay, I will do that!” said Christos.

"Appointment now tomorrow at 6:00 p.m.?”

"Okay!” said Christos and called a taxi to get back.

***

Lunchtime came and everyone ate separately. That is what used to happen in Christos’ family on a daily basis; every member ate alone, watching tv, without communicating with the others.

Later in the afternoon Christos went to the sea to swim and during the night he made a stroll through the central square of Alexandroupoli. All this time he felt calm. He didn’t speak at all with his brother or with his parents, but upon returning home, the frowned faces of his father and his mother made him a lot more afraid than before.

Submitted: February 25, 2024

Literary Fiction romance therapy psychology counselling personal-development