Chapter 29: (v.2) A Hospital Visit - Communication Group Game

During the entire bus ride, Christos' mood started to drop as he anticipated the usual negative energy awaiting him at home. Christos also knew that Michalis was already in Aleksandroupoli, so he mentally prepared himself not to fall into the usual trap of seeing Michalis attract all the attention while he himself became marginalized.

He started to fear, remembering how he felt even worse when Michalis drew attention to him compared to being in the same group with Nektarios. For that reason, he called the Teacher, “I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle Michalis,” he said.

“Christos,” the Teacher said, “you have made progress ever since we started working last summer. You have learned a lot about relationships and you also know what it is that bothers you with Michalis.”

“What should I do if I start to feel the same way when we are in the same group of people?” Christos asked.

“Just don’t feed the old negative thoughts, and realize that Michalis is a simple man, with his strengths and his weaknesses.”

Arriving late at night at the bus station in Aleksandroupoli to surprise his parents, Christos took a taxi home instead of calling his father to pick him up. However, when he entered the house and greeted everyone, his parents seemed to become puzzled instead of glad.

“But why son didn’t you call us to come and get you from the station?” asked Iulia when she saw him enter with his luggage.

“It is late and I didn’t want to get you into trouble!” Christos said.

“But what’s wrong with that child?” Petros said annoyed and with Iulia, went to their bed to sleep.

Christos also became annoyed with his parents' behavior. To relax, he entered his room, closed the door, and started punching the pillows on his bed. “You are full of problems!” he grunted.

After he calmed down, he unpacked his luggage and then Michalis entered his room.

“What’s up Christos?” Michalis asked, “did you travel well?”

“The trip was good,” Christos replied. “Are you having a good time here?”

“Things are fine,” Michalis said. “I’m going with my friends out, do you want to join?”

Fearing that a trap waited for him if he accepted to go with him, Christos initially thought of saying no. However, he also thought that it would be a good idea to overcome his issues with Michalis and to conclude, as the Teacher told him, that his demonized brother was in fact human. “Okay, let’s go!” he said.

They went out to the center of Aleksandroupoli and sat with some friends of Michalis in a bar. Michalis, once again as he used to, started with his pompous speech to make himself visible, so everybody around him laughed with his jokes and time passed smoothly.

Sensing the old emotions returning, and believing that no one would show interest for him, meaning that he himself had no worth, Christos thought, “Oh, not again!”

His mood started to worsen just as it did with Nektarios, until he reached the point before he felt completely leveled to the ground. Then, something awakened him, and thought, “But what am I doing?”

Remembering Teacher's words, that since last summer he made progress in his self-development and that now he could stand his ground with Michalis in front of others. Just like with Nektarios, Christos noticed something off about Michalis' behavior; he seemed to be compulsively seeking attention. “If he drew attention because he enjoyed it,” Christos thought, “he wouldn’t do it with compulsion. So, why do I still believe that he is better than me?”

This thought took Christos out of his vicious circle and his mood improved so much that he began to actively participate in the conversation, saying jokes. That resulted in the attention of the group to be drawn towards Christos, who seeing that what he wanted actually happened, felt happy and continued the funny talk.

On the other hand, Michalis, when he saw Christos drawing all the attention, he stood still, almost not believing his eyes, He neither moved nor spoke, until the time came for them to leave.

“See you tomorrow!” Christos saluted their friends.

Michalis said nothing to Christos, he only appeared thoughtful and sometimes stared at Christos and mockingly laughed.

“Is there something wrong?” Christos asked angry from the mockery. Now, when others tried to him, he didn’t become immobilized, but furious instead.

“Nothing!” Michalis replied still staring at him with the same expression. “Haha!”

At home, it took Christos a long time to calm down from Michalis' behavior. He managed to fall asleep after four in the morning, causing him to wake up late. He couldn’t find anybody at home and puzzled, he called Iulia, “Where is everybody?”

“We are in the hospital,” she replied.

“What?? What happened?” he asked surprised.

“Michalis fainted and fell from the stairs today!” Iulia said.

“Is he okay?” asked Christos rather worried.

“No, no,” Iulia said, “nothing serious. Just a few bruises. But we went to the hospital for precautionary reasons.”

“I’m coming too!” said Christos and headed towards the hospital. On the way, Christos thought that for some reason he participated in this accident and couldn’t help but feel responsible and guilty for it. However, he then thought that he had no intention to cause this incident, since his own goal was to attract attention so he could feel better for himself, and not to do his brother harm. So, the guilt faded away.

In the hospital, the whole family gathered around Michalis. The bruises on his hands contrasted with his mysterious smile of satisfaction. A smile that disappeared when he saw Christos.

“Are you alright?” Christos asked Michalis.

“I’m alright,” Michalis replied. “I’m unharmed!” Then, he looked at Christos with a very strict expression on his face. Christos thought that Michalis was asking him, 'Why have you come here?'"

That made Christos feel inferior and the guilt returned. He remained aloof as the relatives began to narrate similar accidents they experienced sometime in their life, until the physician came and confirmed that there was nothing to worry about. Then they all returned home.

Christos, not finding an escape route from his self-blame, called the Teacher and told him the event.

Laughing as he heard what happened, the Teacher said, “Michalis must have caused that accident to draw attention.”

“Should I feel bad about that?” asked Christos.

“Of course not!” the Teacher continued laughing. “Simply have this as an example, so as to not cause to yourself diseases and accidents to make others interested for you!”

“I did manage to attract the attention of others last night,” Christos said triumphantly, “in the end you were right, I can stand my ground just fine, even with Michalis around!”

“Bravo, bravo to the student!” said the Teacher. “So, you succeeded in becoming the star of the night. Do you remember what we said about those who like to draw attention?”

“Yes, that there comes a time where they get tired of doing so and get angry.”

“Exactly! You succeeded in drawing the attention of others, and from what it seems you needed that, as you have spent your whole life in obscurity. However, if you overdo this, it will backfire!”

“You are right. . .”

“You yourself said it, Michalis seemed satisfied from the result of his accident: to draw attention. He wasn’t happy though!”

Then the Teacher asked, “Have I ever told you when what we do makes us grow in the work that we do, Christos?”

“No,” Christos replied. “When?”

“When what we do makes us feel both happy and satisfied!”

“What do you mean Teacher? Satisfaction is not enough?”

“No, it is not. Satisfaction alone means that I do something that is dictated by reason. Satisfaction alone can mean revenge. On the other hand, if what I do only gives me joy, then I function with emotion, but I don’t go anywhere!”

The Teacher said stressing his words, “Only when my action gives me both joy and satisfaction can I grow. It is the same thing with following logic and emotion. If you do what is logical but your emotion says no, then you turn against you. If you follow emotion and your logic says no, then you turn against the others. If you find solutions that agree with both your logic and your emotion, then these solutions make you grow.”

“I understand that,” Christos said. “However, I have a question!”

“And which is that?”

“What if I can’t find a solution? If the path of simultaneous joy and satisfaction doesn’t exist?”

“It always exists!”

“What if I can’t find it?”

“You can find it!” laughed the Teacher, “how much does your lack of self-esteem shows!”

“What if for a given situation I don’t have time to think for the golden solution?”

“Then,” the Teacher said, “from a psychological point of view, it is of your best interest to act on your emotion, even if your logic says no.”

“Can you give examples for every case?”

“Yes, of course! Let’s say for example that today is the birthday of your friend Stavros and your logic says you buy a gift and go to his party. You think about the event and the anticipation brings you joy. So, logic and emotion agree, so that action leads to your growth. Everything okay until here?”

“Yes.”

“If now my friend Yannis celebrates,” continued the Teacher, “my logic says that I must buy a present and go to his party. But then, a common friend calls me and reveals to me that Nikos will also go to the party, who I have learnt says bad things about me behind my back. I get really angry and decide not to go. Here I follow my emotion and go against my logic. My action turns against Yannis.”

“Finally, let’s say that my chief has a celebration, with whom we had the same rank before. He managed to get promoted with his diplomatic maneuvering and surpassed me. My emotions are against him. However, my logic says that I am obligated to go and so I do. Here I follow my logic and not my emotion and this action turns against me.”

“Okay then,” Christos said, “now I understand!”

***

Easter passed and Christos returned to Thessaloniki to continue attending the university lectures. He found his fellow students there, but due to the upcoming examination period, most of the students didn’t go out and stayed inside to study. Applying the Teacher's advice and similarly to the previous examination period, Christos studied until he noticed the first signs of fatigue, then he stopped studying, went out for a walk or to see a movie, and then he continued his work full of energy. Eventually, he gave his exams and did well.

During the whole examination period. he attended the self-knowledge group and continued the individual meetings with the Teacher. Finally, the first month of the summer came, June, and he prepared himself to return to Aleksandroupoli.

That day he attended the team, on their last meeting for the year and its members sat on their circle formation. Christos sat opposite to the Teacher and next to him pencils and pens lay inside a marble coffee cup. “Fetch me a pen, Christos,” said the Teacher to Christos.

Upon hearing the commanding tone on the Teacher's voice, Christos became angry. He grabbed a pen, tossed it on the marble floor and it glided near where the Teacher sat, but not in a range that the Teacher could bend down and pick it up.

To Christos occurred that he should get up and give the Teacher the pen himself, but instead he decided not to do so, laying himself on the back of the chair.

Noticing that Christos did not get up to give him the pen, the Teacher told him in a serious tone, “You are provoking me!”

“Why so?” asked Christos.

“Because with the posture you took, it is as if you say to me, Pick it up yourself!”

The group members agreed that Christos’ posture showed exactly that.

“I don’t like to be ordered around,” Christos justified himself.

“Of course you don’t like to be ordered around,” the Teacher agreed, “your whole life Iulia commanded you and now you don’t like to be forced to do things.”

“How does one deal with people who always like to give orders?” asked a team member.

“If the person that orders us is important for us,” the Teacher replied, “then we say, 'Yes sir!' as if it is a sergeant that barks orders and we do what it commanded us, if it is not something that goes against us. That way we decode what the person does and it stops doing it.”

“What if what that person asks us to do is against us?” asked Christos.

“Then we simply ignore the command.”

“And what if the person is a control freak that makes our life a living hell?” asked Christos again.

“There are two methods in general to communicate our dissatisfaction to others,” said the Teacher. “The first was created by Thomas Gordon and it is called a confronting I-message to another person, we describe its behavior, the effects feelings are due to that behavior.”

The Teacher continued, “For example I can say: When you throw tantrums and cut communication I fear that it is my fault and for that I get stomach aches and as a result I can’t go to work. How can it be possible so that you do you need, throw tantrums or cut communication but I don’t fear that it is my fault? What is the solution to that?”

Turning to the team, the Teacher asked, “Who is going to tell us the answer to that?”

“The person that has thrown tantrums should tell the other person the reason for his/her behavior and make it clear that it has no problem with him/her,” said Costas, one of the members of the group.

“And if I the other person has indeed a problem with me?” asked Christos.

“Then,” the Teacher replied, “I can ask from that person to explain what it is I did to him/her, so I can see if it is really my fault. If the person's claim is valid, then I apologize and try to make things up by not repeating my mistake. If it turns out that the claim is not reasonable, then I tell the person that I understand how it feels, but the problem is not mine and I can’t do anything about it.”

Turning towards Christos, the Teacher asked, “Do you understand Christos what we are talking about?”

“I think I do,” Christos replied and then asked: “What is the second method?”

“The second method is called the mirror,” the Teacher said, “and it is very effective: we do to the other person what it does to us.”

“But won’t the situation go out of control if we both become competitive?” asked Christos.

“This will happen if you have anger or revenge as motivations for your acts,” said the Teacher. “But, if your motivation is to simply send the message, “You do exactly this to me! Do you like it?” then the other receives it and stops doing it.” Then he added, “And because the way someone rejects us shows what hurts him/her also, our message is always received. This is why the mirror is so effective, because it gives the other a taste of his/her own medicine. In your mother's case Christos, these two methods would be effective.”

The Teacher continued, “However orders are not always used as roadblocks to communication, Christos. Sometimes, for brevity reasons or in order to do something fast, a person instead of saying, “Could you please do this?” could say, “do this.” It uses less words that way. And this brings us to today's topic!”

“And what is that?” asked a team member.

“Communication!” the Teacher said.

“What shall we do?” Christos asked.

“You will divide in groups of two, where one will narrate to each other a story. The time a person has to narrate their story is ten minutes, and when their time is over, the other person will tell his/her story. After their ten minutes are over, the groups will be reformed and repeat the same procedure, only this time each person will have 5 minutes.”

The Teacher went on, “The goal of this game is to realize that we can say the same things in less time. In few words with this game we practice effective communication.”

Christos participated in this game and became impressed how easier it was to say his story the second time, in half the time he said it the first time. “Why haven’t I learned to communicate effectively?” he asked the Teacher.

“Because they didn’t teach you to!” the Teacher replied. “And of course, this is due to the fact that there is no communication in your family. . .”

Hearing these words, Christos remembered childhood memories that caused him to fear. That fear lowered the tone of his voice so he could not be heard. “But who is more responsible for this?” he asked.

“What?” the Teacher asked. “I can’t hear you!”

“Who is more responsible?” Christos repeated in the same tone level.

“What?!?” the Teacher asked with a louder voice.

“Who is resp. . .” started Christos again with the same voice volume but that moment the Teacher shouted, with supposedly angry voice, “SPEAK LOUDER! I CAN’T HEAR!!”

Christos bowed down his head and didn’t speak anymore, feeling scolded. Then, the group member that sat next to Christos, told the Teacher what he said.

“Christos will tell us who is more responsible for him having trouble in communication,” the Teacher said.

Yet Christos didn’t speak to anybody and he looked like a machine plugged off from electricity.

“Christos, why do you cut communication from us?” asked a girl in the team.

These words brought associatively to Christos’ mind his father. Not a specific memory, but a general impression of his father, cutting communication when he felt dissatisfied. “My father is more responsible,” stated Christos, replying to the team, not yet having overcome the pain he felt from the Teacher's loud voice. “My father doesn’t communicate well, and throws tantrums with anybody whom he doesn’t get along with. Or at least, that is my impression.”

The Teacher's voice returned to its normal volume, “Yes,” the Teacher replied, “in fact, it is your father you copied as a role model.”

In that moment, an enlightenment came to Christos’ mind and he told the girl that asked him before, “I have the impression that it is not me who threw tantrums, but my father!”

Looking Christos with enthusiasm, the Teacher said, “This is exactly what is happening! You literally copied your father's behavior. You became your father the moment I yelled at you!”

“And how can one get over this? How can I stop becoming my father or my mother?”

“By realizing that these behaviors don’t belong to you but to your parents! You picked them up along the way as you grew as dead weight! Drop them! Each time you find yourself imitating your parents’ negative behaviors, recognize they are not yours and ignore them. That way they will atrophy!”

“Okay, I will try that!”

The group meeting came to its end and Christos said farewell to the team members for the summer. He renewed his individual appointment with the Teacher for the summer, and went to his flat to prepare his luggage for the next day's trip to Aleksandroupoli, wondering how this summer would go.