Chapter 26: (v.2) Suicidal Thoughts After An Upcoming Presentation Announcement!

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The days went on and Christos did the registration change, imagining he said to Iulia that she wasn’t a good mother and that made him relax a bit. He hoped he could start trusting others more.

But, as much as he tried to do this, he always feared that someone would stab him in the back.

One day at the university, in one of the modules he chose for the semester, their professor announced that each student had the assignment to study a topic and then make a presentation in classroom.

Some students reacted positively, as, being more experienced with presentations and having an ease with communication, they would earn extra credit for their anticipated good performance.

Christos on the other hand didn’t see it as something positive. Just when the professor said the words, 'Presentation' and 'Classroom,' Christos became stunned as if hit from an electrical current, unable to move from his chair. As if an Antarctic wind froze him in place.

After the lecture ended, Christos, lost in his world, left from class without even saying goodbye to his friends that were there and walked to his flat. The fear of the presentation wouldn’t dissipate; it remained lodged like a thorn.

With only two weeks to prepare for the presentation - one week to study the topic and another to create the slides and speech - Christos became very stressed. And not only did he have the presentation, he also had workload from other modules! He had to start studying immediately!

Now, those who lived on the flat above, had done some inner decoration and that resulted in a lot of noise.

Christos’ terror, combined with all the clatter from above, made his head feel like a kettle on the verge of explosion.

“I can’t take this anymore!” he thought, and left the flat in panic.

For about two hours Christos walked around the streets of Thessaloniki, lost and not knowing where he was heading. His thoughts were primitive, everyone around him hid threats. Should he fight or flee? Should he make the presentation or not? Everyone wanted to harm him and he was weak against so much cruelty.

Each time his eyes crossed with that of a stranger, Christos withdrew his gaze. He felt almost certain that the world pointed at him and thought, “Look at that clown! How ridiculous!”

Eventually, for a mysterious reason he headed uphill and found himself on a spot near a cliff, about 6 meters high. The depth of the cliff created a sensation of attraction towards him. Almost as if it said, “Jump!”

“What is going on with me?” Christos wondered with a trembling voice. He left the road cliff and there just as he thought he was safe, cars started passing next to him.

The feeling of attraction returned and made him imagine that he jumped on the cars and ended his life. Then, without a warning, the Teacher's words came to his mind:

“This is quartz,” he heard the Teacher speaking inside him, “you will squeeze the quartz with your palm and you will say, Fear, here I hold you!”

Hastily reaching for his pocket, Christos touched the quartz and realizing it quietly waited for him to call for its help, he grabbed it with his hand saying, “Fear, here I hold you!”

As the cars continued to pass, the impulse to give up and jump still remained strong. However, as he reached for the crystal and invoked its power, he began to feel less focused on his thoughts of ending his life and more focused on the tumblestone the Teacher gave him.

Christos continued to squeeze the quartz in his palm and slowly and steadily, he felt his fear go away. As if the stone sucked all his negative thoughts, leaving space in his mind for positive ones.

Eventually Christos escaped this unprecedented panic attack. He still worried a lot for the presentation and his load of work, but he retained his sense of control. He immediately called the Teacher.

“Is it possible to come over there?” asked Christos. “I don’t think I feel very well!”

“What happened?” asked the Teacher worried.

“I have suicidal thoughts!” he said.

After a relatively brief pause, the Teacher said, “You can come now if you want.”

Taking a taxi, Christos went to the Teacher's apartment. In the door, the Teacher didn’t appear angry or sad, just concerned.

They entered the room they made their meetings but this time the Teacher didn’t speak. He stayed calm, but silent.

Christos, not having yet overcome the fear of the presentation, started to worry for the diagnosis the Teacher would make. Could it be something tragic? Or maybe, it could be something impossible to overcome!

Finally, the Teacher broke the silence and said, “Christos, you should know that if you commit suicide, then you are either a fool, or you don’t think something right.”

“And because I know you are not a fool,” he complemented, “I can definitely say that you don’t think something right.”

These words made Christos a bit less worried. Before, he feared that he would find something he couldn’t handle. Now, since the Teacher diagnosed his problem as some misconception of his, and since thoughts can change, he started believing that his problem could be overcome. “It is as if I fear if I kill myself!” he finally said.

“Don’t be afraid,” the Teacher said. “You are not going to kill yourself!”

“How do you know that?” asked Christos. “Is it not possible for my body to lose control and do whatever it wants?”

“No Christos,” the Teacher replied. “People who commit suicide don’t even think about it. They usually do it impulsively. You are currently talking about it, so you don’t have intention to act upon it.”

Calming even more, Christos felt that he escaped the danger. The calmness then brought clarity and his natural curiosity return. “Who commits suicide?” he asked.

“Usually people who block physically, spiritually and mentally,” the Teacher replied and then continued, “I had a patient who jumped from the third floor of a building, because his wife left him.”

“He didn’t die?”

“No, he got away with only minor injuries. In his case, he only became blocked mentally, but his spirit and body guided him through the fall, making him move himself in a way that put him against obstacles that reduced the impact of the fall.”

The Teacher then said, “I would suggest that you take it easy, Christos. Focus on your presentation and don’t distract yourself with other issues!”

After a while, the meeting came to an end and Christos left. Walking, he found that the physical exercise completely calmed him down.

And then, immediately after entering his flat, a memory struck his mind, harsh as a thunder:

When he was around nine years old, he and Michalis played in the kitchen. They quarreled a lot for the possession of some toys, when their mother came, who seeing them fight, furious intervened and said:

“One friend of mine once took his neighbor in the courts because he trampled his property. In the end he lost the trial, couldn’t take it anymore and killed himself! That is what conflict does to people!”

These words left Christos shocked.

Upon remembering this, Christos called the Teacher without second thought and told him.

“Oh my!” the Teacher replied astonished. “I can’t believe she actually said that!”

“This is why you have suicidal thoughts Christos,” the Teacher added, “because you have a very strong inner conflict with yourself, Should I make the presentation or not? You fear that if you lose the battle with yourself, which is likened to the trial of the memory, you will commit suicide!”

“And is that possible to happen?” asked Christos.

“Of course not!”

“Is it possible a quarrel between two people to lead the other in suicide?”

“That can happen,” the Teacher replied, “in the case that one of them already has suicide inside him, just like the friend of your mother did!”

“Don’t I have suicide inside me?” Christos asked.

“You are not the person that Iulia referred to!”

Christos realized the truth. Many were the times that he quarreled with other people in the past and he even fought himself and didn’t resort to suicide. He would do that now for some silly presentation?

“You are right,” Christos finally said. “I believe that this fear was related to the presentation as well!”

“All the fears that we have are connected,” the Teacher replied. “They are like a plant with long branches. The root is the existential fear. When you remove the root, you get rid of the branches as well!”

Then the Teacher asked, “But how exactly is this fear related with the presentation, Christos?”

“If, after the presentation, a very competitive person from the audience asked me something difficult in order to catch me unprepared and I could not reply, then I feared I would commit suicide!”

“Because you would lose the battle with the one who questioned you! Bravo!” he said. “You found it!”

Then, after realizing that, Christos’ fear of committing suicide completely disappeared. “So,” he then asked, “during the previous semester, when I was asked to make a presentation, I feared the same thing?”

“Yes, it was valid back then,” the Teacher said, “but don’t forget that your is diagnosed so far to be ridicule and that it resulted in you becoming completely blocked and fleeing. Now, the fear of suicide has left you, however your existential has not. Just as you feared then of being ridiculed, so now you still keep fearing whether you become ridiculed in the classroom during the presentation or not!”

“But since I now don’t fear that I will kill myself, it will be easier to make the presentation,” said Christos. “Right?”

“Easier perhaps,” the Teacher replied, “but don’t underestimate the power of the existential fear. It alone can paralyze a person, and in the worst case it can lead that person to take its own life!”

Then the Teacher suggested, “There is something you should know that your fears, be them existential or not: you will either eat them or they will eat you!”

Christos tried not to give much significance on those last words of the Teacher, not because he doubted of their truthfulness, but because he already had enough and didn’t want any more excitements for the day.

As soon as the meeting finished, Christos returned to the flat. The residents above completed redecorating their flat and no more noise could be heard. Calmness permeated the atmosphere.

Exhausted psychologically, Christos preferred to spend the remainder of the day resting. He decided to start studying the next day.

Submitted: April 08, 2024

Literary Fiction romance therapy psychology counselling personal-development