Chapter 23: (v.2) Fighting For The Spotlight - Illnesses And Psychosomatics

The same day, Christos met with the same group of students and they went out, having in mind the things the Teacher told him.

They sat in a bar and Nektarios started talking and everybody looked at him impressed with wide opened eyes.

Despite feeling neglected and marginalized by Nektarios once again, Christos this time chose not to dissociate from reality. This time he tried to stay in the moment, observing what Nektarios said and trying to enter the conversation when he could.

Sometimes, Christos managed to voice his opinion and be heard in the group. Then, every time, Nektarios would seem to be in panic and strived to draw the lights of attention to him, often launching judgmental comments towards Christos, like, “You don’t know things well enough!” to which Christos tried to avoid giving them significance.

But he didn’t succeed. Answering the challenge of Nektarios he kept trying to draw attention himself, angry and furious, since he also had the need to be noticed by others.

Giving it all in his last effort and thinking that he should succeed no matter what, Christos did manage to make others focused on him, by describing a rumor he heard, making ugly and repelling grimaces.

Then, Nektarios filled with indignation said to Christos, “Shut it up already!”

Christos didn’t expect a reaction like that, and lost his speech. The angry tone in Nektarios’ voice made him scared and confused.

Being the winner of the battle, Nektarios returned on his task to get others focused on him with the way he knew.

The others in the group, didn’t really mind what happened with the event, and kept on listening to Nektarios.

After he returned home, Christos started to escape his emotional leveling and get angry.

As soon as he entered the flat, he became so enraged that he started to break the pencils in his office, one by one.

"Everybody is around him all the time,” Christos curtly grunted as he brought to his mind images from the night out.

Then he went near the little oven of the flat, took the metal coffee pot and started slamming it on the small marble bench of the kitchen, as hard as he could, making himself sounds like an animal each time he hit.

Thinking all his efforts to draw attention, he felt ashamed that he attempted to do so doing these ugly faces.

It was past midnight of a Friday night and those who lived on the upper flat, hit their floor so as to give Christos the message to stop what he did.

At that moment, Christos recalled the, 'Shut it up already!' that Nektarios told him. Using all of his strength, he threw the coffee pot against the ceiling.

The coffee pot hit the ceiling, breaking off a piece of plaster.

"You shut it up!” he screamed out loud.

The tenants above didn’t do anything else, neither did Christos.

Nevertheless, Christos calmed down after that last incident. He remembered one time where he and Michalis quarreled when they were little. Michalis had shouted on him and Christos threw a rock towards Michalis, missing his target only slightly.

Probably he did something similar to the tenants above, a projection to Michalis, reacting in the same manner he did in the memory. He understood that what happened, the conflict with Nektarios was not really a conflict with him, but with his brother. Or maybe with the image he had for his brother. But that image was well written inside him and wouldn’t be erased so easily. His mind went to Nektarios again, “Damn that Nektarios,” he thought disappointed, “he is always a celebrity in the school!”

Then he remembered something that happened in the bar that he didn’t pay sufficient attention at the time; even though Nektarios appeared to have fun with what he did, Christos noticed that after some of his efforts to draw attention, he made short pauses, and only then, he looked tired.

"If what he did really filled him up emotionally, then he wouldn’t become exhausted,” Christos concluded. “So, the Teacher was right!”

"And the way he struggled to keep the attention of others. . .” he thought, “he must have a big problem when he doesn’t succeed in doing that!”

Christos felt a little compassion for his fellow student. But remembering the phrase, 'Shut it up already!' and how it made him feel, his compassion didn’t last for very long.

According to the roadblocks to communication, these behaviors corresponded to threatsorder, being said in a threatening tone.

"I still have a lot of work to do!” he thought and dropped to bed exhausted.

Next day morning, he remembered the memory with the revue (Ch. 6) where his father and brother made him lose his ability to speak. He thought that due to those memories Nektarios’ words took effect on him, and he expressed himself in a way the others didn’t approve. As a consequence he was scolded by, who else, the person who took Michalis’ place, Nektarios. He made another registration change, thinking that in the memory he kept expressing himself freely and mostly, as the Teacher advised him, with a loud and clear voice!

On Sunday, in his appointment with the Teacher, Christos talked about the event with Nektarios. He told the Teacher his observation, that after struggling to make others notice him, Nektarios appeared tired.

"You noticed correctly that you replayed those two memories, as well that Nektarios gets tired from being an attention seeker,” the Teacher said. “In general, whatever we do compulsively makes us tired.”

"And why does that happen?” Christos curiously asked.

"Because the compulsive person does what it believes it wants. And to do a must is tiring.”

"What should I do with Nektarios after what happened?” asked Christos.

"You must understand,” the Teacher replied, “that Nektarios is not the only person left on earth. There are other people who are not as competitive as Nektarios and from whom you can benefit more from their company.”

"Good,” Christos said, “I’ll keep that in mind!”

***
 

Monday came and at school, Nektarios didn’t appear to have given a lot of importance to Friday's event. Christos didn’t mention it either.

In the same group of people were again both of them and Nektarios kept seeking attention. Christos continued to be annoyed by Nektarios and felt inferior, but he recognized what happened inside him and it didn’t overwhelm him. He only participated in the conversation whenever he could, without trying to attract attention in a negative way.

A few more weeks passed and the lessons of the semester stopped for Christmas holidays, around the 15th of December.

The work Christos did with the Teacher continued, discussing everyday events. There were some anger outbursts from him, but due to the festive atmosphere of those days, his overall mood improved. He did feel worried however about his return to Aleksandroupoli.

"How are they going to greet me?” he wondered recalling his last visit. “Will I receive the same treatment as before?”

He decided that whatever they did, he had taken his course and nothing would make his go back.

After saying farewell to the Teacher, who would spend his holidays to Thessaloniki with his family, he informed his parents for the day he would arrive to Aleksandroupoli and when that day came, the 22nd of December, he took the bus to his home city.

Waiting at the bus station of Aleksandroupoli, his father appeared to be happy to see him.

They went home and there, his mother welcomed him. Iulia, who in Christos’ eyes, seemed to be a little servile towards him. Petros, following Iulia's example, also appeared servile.

After they talked a little bit about their news, Petros and Iulia returned to work.

"In the end they greeted me quite well,” thought Christos and called the Teacher to inform him.

"Everything good then!” the Teacher said as he also worried of how Christos’ parents would greet him. “So, I wish you to have a nice holiday with your relatives!” he then said. “And if something comes up, don’t hesitate to contact me!”

Sitting on the sofa, Christos was alone, as his brother would return from Athens the next day.

Gradually with the passage of time, he started to feel more and more down emotionally. As if the four walls of his room had pumps that sucked the life out of him. Very soon, the good mood he retained throughout his journey vanished and he felt again impassive and miserable.

He reacted by getting out of house and walking at the central square of Aleksandroupoli. His mood improved but since the sun set early due to winter season and since the journey with the bus exhausted him, he returned home to sleep early so he could be full of energy the next day.

Tomorrow came, but mysteriously, Christos didn’t feel refreshed. Especially when he joined his father in greeting his brother at the bus station, Christos started feeling ackward.

Michalis arrived, and his father greeted him warmly.

That made Christos feel cold and he didn’t give any significance to the event.

When they returned home, his father and his mother kept asking Michalis how his time in Athens was. Later, Michalis arranged to go out with his friends. “Would you like to join, Christos?” Michalis asked him.

Christos declined, as he started to have shivers. “I must be getting fever,” he thought.

Measuring his temperature, he realized that he had 38.3C! “I must have caught some flu!” he thought and informed Iulia about his condition.

Iulia appeared worried for his condition, as Petros also did and for some reason that seemed comforting for Christos.

"In one or two days I will be fine,” he thought.

However, the two days passed and his fever raised even more to 40C, resulting in Iulia and Petros being even more worried.

His high fever made him restless and he felt like his head would explode. He became angry with his condition, unable to move from fever and started swearing inside all the time.

At the moment his rage reached its peak, he bit the bed sheets, pulling them so hard with his teeth that he rip them apart.

Upon seeing the sheets, Iulia panicked, “Imagine how angry you were!” she told him.

Being very sick and not able to do anything else, he listened to other people having fun in the living room, all surrounding Michalis and he felt jealous for his ability to attract others. Christos literally wished to disappear from the face of the earth, that meaningless he considered himself.

Christos’ parents continued to be near him, troubled for his health.

After a week, the fever finally dropped and he began to recuperate and escape his awful emotional state. He called the Teacher, wondering why the Teacher didn’t call him until then. Didn’t the Teacher talk with Christos’ parents?

"How is it going Christos?” the Teacher asked.

"You didn’t know? I spent a whole week in bed with 40C fever,” Christos said. “Today I am a bit better.”

"Oh my!” said the Teacher surprised, “it must be an epidemic or something!” Then addressing Christos’ first question, he stated, “No, I didn’t know! Who would tell me?”

"I thought you talked with my parents!” Christos said.

"Christos,” said the Teacher, “they don’t even talk with each other, why would they talk with me?”

Christos gave no reply.

"But,” the Teacher proceeded, “let us not involve ourselves with your parents now, but with you!”

"What do you mean? Are you a doctor as well apart from a counselor?”

"Something like that,” the Teacher replied.

"You studied medical science?”

"No Christos,” the Teacher replied, “I don’t have a degree in medicine. I am however a soul physician!”

"And does that have to do with my illness?”

"It has everything to do with your illness!”

"Why?”

"Because the illness of the soul precedes that of the body!”

Listening with interest to the Teacher's words, Christos remembered that he had heard from somewhere else that the mind affects the body, but he didn’t consider that theory to be very important.

"An illness,” the Teacher said, “is a letter that has no receiver!”

The Teacher continued, “When we become angry with an important for us person and don’t express our anger in a natural way, more often than not we become ill, so as to send a message to the person we have the issue with.”

"And does that person get that message?”

"Usually it does,” the Teacher said. “The person who will be upset the most from our illness is the person to which the message was directed to.”

Christos observed that both his parents and even Michalis looked worried and he couldn’t understand to which his message was addressed to.

"It is possible that the message was addressed to all three of them,” said the Teacher, “it might also be of course that the cause of your illness is a bit different.”

"How?”

"Another reason we become ill is when we feel that a person that is close to us doesn’t give us the necessary attention that we want!”

Suddenly, Christos remembered how he felt the first day Michalis returned from Athens, when his brother won his parents’ attention. He told the Teacher.

"So,” the Teacher said, “the illness you did to yourself was to draw your parents’ attention to you!”

"Did I really do something like this?”

"Of course you did!” the Teacher replied. “You knew that your parents fear diseases, so you made one to yourself to win their interest!”

"But wouldn’t that be a sick thing to do?”

"Yes and no,” the Teacher replied. “We have already established that for children, love is as important as oxygen. So, when during our childhood we don’t receive the love we need, we conceive of many ways to receive it, one of which is illness!”

Christos became convinced of Teacher's words. Even though they left the area of mainstream science, he believed in the power that the mind has over the body, and didn’t seem at all impossible that something like that could happen.

"So how can I stop becoming ill in order to punish or draw attention?”

"You will simply keep in mind that you only did what you knew until that day, and that from now on you will not use that method to punish or draw attention. The best way to make others come closer to you, is to talk to them and show them your interest on them first.”

"Okay, I agree!” Christos said.

The Teacher continued, “But in order to achieve this, you must first become interested in yourself. Do you remember the four modes of human behavior?”

"Yes,” Christos replied. “They are:

• The others towards me

• Me towards others

• Others towards others and finally

• Me towards me.”

"Why should others show you interest if you can’t you can’t give importance to yourself first? If you become interested in yourself, the others will become as well.”

"Good, so I’ll try to be interested in me,” Christos replied. However, the topic had driven his curiosity a lot. “Are there any other reasons we become ill?”

"There are, yes,” the Teacher replied. “Another common reason a person becomes sick is when they have been loaded with many psychological burdens, be them too much work, obligations, worries, etc. and for moral, compulsory or other reasons they cannot drop them. So, that person sees illness, always subconsciously, as an excuse to resign from obligations.”

"Could an example be students who during exams become sick?” asked Christos who got the point.

"Correct!” the Teacher replied and then went on, “Apart from fever of course, the body can become ill in other ways as well. Have you ever heard the word psychosomatics?”

"I remember on Thessaloniki, not long ago, when I vomited without really being sick, then you did mention the word, but we didn’t discuss about the topic!”

"We will now,” the Teacher said. “So, Christos, you should know that when we do negative thoughts, those tend to cause energetic blockages on certain parts of the body and those blockages cause in their turn pain and diseases, without obvious reasons.”

"So, you support that if there is no physiological explanation for a pain that we have, then there is psychological one?”

"This is exactly what I mean!”

"Is it possible to make a diagnosis, depending on the part of the body where the illness appears?”

"Of course!” the Teacher replied.

"So,” Christos said, “what about me who often has back pain? What does that mean?”

"Pain in the back means that you carry a lot of weight,” the Teacher replied and clarified, “psychological weight.”

Christos felt covered from the reply of the Teacher, as it was true that he had many psychological burdens, especially before he met the Teacher.

"What does cancer mean?”

"Cancer happens when confusion, abandonment and violence are included in a person’s private logic. But mostly confusion.”

"Otitis?”

"Otitis and generally ailments in the ears usually mean, 'I don’t want to hear.'”

"Additionally, seeing the lack of social skills you have, I am thinking the only way to speed up your growth is that you attend a self-knowledge group.”

"Do you have any group in mind?”

"I direct one myself!”

"I would really like that then!” Christos said excited.

"Excellent!” the Teacher said cheerily. “See then that you have fun in the remaining part of your vacations, Christos, for when the new year comes, the group awaits!