Chapter 20: (v.2) Fear Is The Mind Killer!

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On his way home, Christos changed registration to the latest memory with the indifference (Ch. 19). In the new registry, he imagined that he again disobeyed his mothers’ forbiddance and when he returned home late at night he wouldn’t let her touch him. “Since I don’t have consequences from disobeying her orders,” he thought for the new registry, “there is no need to have that forbiddance.”

As a result, Christos stopped feeling guilt each time he attempted to go out with friends and stay late. As a result, he found it easier to take initiative, no longer troubled by the dilemma of staying longer or leaving early.

Those who didn’t answer his calls, continued with the same tactics. Christos again became angry, however referring to the registration change he did before, the anger quickly subsided.

“If they want to play spitting stamp,” he thought, “let them play it with their own kind!” Following the Teacher's advice, he let them take their path and focused on the students who did reply to him.

And as a result, the next days he succeeded many times, going out for drinks with students from his school.

These students might not have had issues with indifference, but that didn’t mean they didn’t use other roadblocks to communication.

Due to the lingering fear of competitive behaviors, Christos found himself unable to participate in conversations. Instead, he observed and interpreted the behavior of others towards him and his behavior toward others and identified which roadblocks to communication he and the students used, discussing his observations with the Teacher in parallel.

That work challenged him much though: having come out of isolation only recently, his communication skills were not properly developed so many of what the others said either he misinterpreted or missed out their meaning completely.

What came next was him becoming discouraged temporarily from his inability to be effective in communication. Every time he went out, the next days he felt down. Unable to bear this helplessness any longer, he became angry and punched his pillow, or placed it on his head and screamed.

Nevertheless, he wouldn’t release his anger only that way. He noticed that sometimes, on his rage, he began to punch his feet manically, to the point that they became bruised. That started to worry him and he called the Teacher to inform him about it.

“For so many years,” the Teacher replied, “this is exactly what you did! You beat yourself! It is time to stop this habit!”

His fury mounting, Christos came to realize the truth of the Teacher's words. “I can’t believe what I did to myself all this time!” he thought and resisted the temptation to beat himself up again. Instead, he began to kick the bed's mattress, as if he practiced Taekwondo, yelling and releasing rage with each successive kick.

When his anger dissipated, he made a promise never to turn his anger inwards again but to release it all out.

He kept going out with his group of friends and continued to grow. As he grew, it appeared to him as if he studied a new language, and he was still learning the alphabet.

Regarding his research for his existential fear, nothing seemed to trigger it.

The lessons continued normally and he attended them, but his effort of studying remained minimal, as he mainly involved himself in the social part of life.

“If I make it, then good,” he kept saying inside, “if not, then I don’t mind!”

Truth be told of course, he wondered what his parents would say if he didn’t make it.

***

Around the last days of October and as his life went on a steady, small step, yet rising course, a corpse fell from the roof: one of the modules he selected for the semester appeared to be a lot more difficult than he anticipated.

All the students who selected that module, including him, became disappointed and started to come later in class, ten minutes, twenty minutes, even half an hour late.

At that point their professor, very indignantly announced, “I’ve had enough preparing lessons for people who arrive late! From now on, the material for the next lessons of the module will be studied and presented by you! And then we will discuss questions and solve them!”

The professor added, “For next time, the gentleman over there will prepare the material!” pointing out towards Christos.

That day was a Monday and the next lesson was on Wednesday. Christos sat frozen with sudden terror.

After the class finished, later in the afternoon, Christos, having completely lost his senses, did the first thing that came to his mind:

“I think I will go for a trip at Aleksandroupoli!”

It had been two months since he left his hometown, and now it was late October. He would miss the lessons of that week, but on the other hand, attendance was not compulsory on that course.

Consumed by fear, he didn’t even consider discussing the situation with the Teacher before boarding the first bus to Aleksandroupoli. He noticed that he barely had any money left, having enough savings only for the ticket. Just before arriving to Aleksandroupoli, he called his father.

“What? You are coming here?” Petros asked surprised.

His father came to the bus station and took him home. Iulia had not yet returned from work.

His fear of making the presentaion completely hindered his ability to think rationally, so Christos went for a walk to the city center to clear his mind.

He decided to drop the module, because even without it, he could still have his degree if he passed all the other modules. He then returned home and sent an email to the professor, saying that he couldn’t make the presentation, as he had to leave for Aleksandroupoli due to serious family issues.

After a few minutes, the professor replied, “Alright, no problem Christos. I had a talk with the other students as well, and told them that it would be better if this module stopped for this year. I hope things will go well for you and that you return to Thessaloniki soon.”

Upon reading those last words, Christos felt a sense of calm as the fog that clouded his mind dissipated. His first rational thought was, “What did I do? Why did I leave so hastily, without even thinking about it?”

Christos felt stressed in Thessaloniki, but he knew he would soon return to Aleksandroupoli soon.

He called the Teacher at Thessaloniki.

“You are where?” asked the Teacher surprised. “But wouldn’t you come to the meeting we had for Wednesday?”

“Yes, but something happened that forced me to leave,” said Christos and told the Teacher the whole event.

“I can only imagine how big your fear was, forcing you to flee!” the Teacher said. “But tell me, do you remember the thoughts you had the moment the professor asked you to make the presentation?”

“I don’t remember well,” said Christos, “what I can recall is that I panicked!”

“Panic made you lose your memory, Christos,” the Teacher said. “However, I wonder, why didn’t you call me so that we could work this out?”

“I don’t know, I felt so scared that I thought that calling you would make things worse!”

“But,” the Teacher said, “after every conversation we have you feel better later, isn’t it that so?”

“Indeed!”

“So why do you say it would make things worse?”

“I guess I didn’t want the situation to be improved then!”

The Teacher laughed. “You say it yourself, Christos. Look, you sure have your reasons to do this, it is not the easiest thing to overcome your fears. But, as I already told you in the summer, you will continue to be angry and afraid for yet a long time, until the time comes when you will be able to stand on your feet.”

“Am I not standing on my feet now?” Christos asked annoyed.

The Teacher laughed again.

Realizing instinctively that the Teacher laughed with the event that happened with the module and not with him, Christos stopped feeling annoyed. The Teacher really meant, “But can’t you see?”

“Okay I get it,” Christos said resigning. “So, what do we do now?”

“First things first,” said the Teacher. “When are you coming back?”

“Is Thursday good? I booked a ticket for Wednesday night when I went to the bus station!”

“Let me see, do I have any appointments on Thursday?” the Teacher wondered. “I have an empty spot for you on Thursday, at 5 o’clock in the afternoon. I guess I’ll see you then!”

“Very well,” Christos replied. “What could I do now?”

“I would suggest you go for a coffee in the city center and have a chat with your parents, since you haven’t seen each other for some time. And also, see if you can remember any similar events in the past where you fled!”

“That sounds like a good idea!” Christos agreed.

“Okay then!” the Teacher replied. “Send your parents my regards!”

The telephone hung up and almost immediately, Christos started feeling exhausted. This state of emergency completely depleted his energy. He went to sleep.

Submitted: March 27, 2024

Literary Fiction romance therapy psychology counselling personal-development