Dinowar

Ann Sepino

I'm here, finally! ^u^ Thanks for inviting me to read your story. My thoughts so far:

I like the chapter's consistency. It's fast-paced throughout, which means that we get an idea of how the rest of the story will probably be told. The dialogues are cohesive, and they also reflect the ages and personalities of the characters quite well.

And I like that you're getting to the meat of the story as soon as possible, but I also think that you can add to its atmosphere. It's best to follow the rule of "show, don't tell" for the majority of the book, because it will grab the readers' attention.

For instance, you can incorporate the characters' physical features into the scene: "Erin's long, wavy, red hair glistened in the sunlight as she nodded." (Or something to that effect.)

Overall, great job on the first chapter. I'm gonna check out the second one as soon as I'm free. Keep it up!

Diamonheart

Great introduction. the chapter was short and to the point, and the dialogues are coherent. certainly worth continuing

Vagabond77

I like it! You do a great job with detail, and the characters are relatable. As a student myself I can imagine the struggle. I wonder what the noise was. Nice shout out to an retro cartoon network cartoon! Or is it nick, I forget lol

Riley The Roach

Finally I was able to read this chapter!
I like that it's fast-paced.
Dialogs are simple, but consistent, which I like that.
I'll look forward reading the next chapters when I get time off work!